faith battle

On every morning walk, I talk with God. Whether silent or audible, I share pieces of myself that I rarely divulge to anyone else. With sweat from my vigorous steps pooling at the top of my eyebrows, I feel raw and exposed and completely open to His suggestions and inspiration. It is a relationship I have been trying to develop for twenty eight years, and I finally feel like I am getting somewhere.

Today I talked to him about faith. Faith in Him. Faith in church. Faith in people. Faith in myself.

After hashing out a few things weighing heavily on my heart, I finally came to the conclusion that I will have to daily fight for faith. It is going to be my constant battle. In my few years, I have experienced a lot. Sometimes more than I felt ready to tackle but was forced to face with no immediate exit.

While not exactly true, I have felt abandoned by God. Left to my own devices and holding to the only hope I can muster. Those were lonely times. I've had esteemed and respected religious leaders and friends leave our faith in the dust and seek other paths. Their disregard for the things that I hold close to my heart has left me stumped, shaken and confused. People I've loved have hurt and disappointed me in some of the cruelest ways. They left me damaged and broken and yet asked for forgiveness. And my own body and mind seem to play tricks on me and cause me to feel less than I really am.

My battles with faith. I've faced each one differently. Time has definitely helped me confront each situation with a more mature attitude and a more hopeful spirit. I am ashamed when I think of how I handled things in my younger years. But we grow as we live. And I am certainly growing. Especially when it comes to faith.