feelings as my due date approaches

It's been awhile. You would've thought I would've had this baby by now with how long I've gone without writing, but no, no baby. Just lots of leg and lower back pain with an extra dose of exhaustion. Insomnia set in several weeks ago and has been relentless in my final days. I am due in 9 days. 9?! If this baby was born like V and Elle, she'd be headed to us in 2 days, but I don't think she's coming that soon. Call it a mother's intuition. This baby is as stubborn as they come, and she isn't going to make my last week any easier.

In the stillness of my bedroom, I lie in bed listening to the wind howl and beat on the old wooden fence dividing our house from our neighbor. The wind in the this sleepy little town in unreal. It reminds me so much of Peoria, except I feel a lot safer in my current home. I used to lie awake wondering when the walls of our almost-cardboard shack in Peoria would fly away. We were lucky enough to make it out alive. ;) The wind is comparable to that of Peoria and mostly because we are surrounded by nothing but cornfields and empty lots. It hits hard and fast; it takes my breath away when I'm outside.

As I close my eyes and pretend to fall asleep to the constant howling, I think of this baby girl inside of me. She moves so frequently that it's nearly impossible not to think of her. I wonder what she'll look like. I wonder about her kissable chubby cheeks--please let them be chubby. I wonder what shape and color of eyes she'll have. Almond? Round? Blue? Brown? Gold? And I wonder about how she'll react to the heart welcome she's about to receive. The girls are very excited to meet her (mostly I think they are ready for mom to be mom sans belly again). Mya asked me the other day if this baby could be her baby because Elle is Genevieve's baby. I told her that I wouldn't mind it if the baby wanted to be like her because I think Mya is so special, and I know she is a great example. Genevieve is anxious to hold the baby. She keeps telling me how much she loves Elle but that Elle is getting bigger and no longer wants to be held. And Elle Belle, oh how she has no idea what is coming! She is going to be a disaster. Let it be known that her terrible twos are in full force, and adding a baby is only going to ignite more fire in her already feisty personality. Wahoo!

Having a new baby always evokes a gamut of emotions in my heart. At any given moment I feel anxious, excited, scared, happy, nervous, curious, or any combination of the two. I remember just the way I felt the night Tim and I drove to the hospital before Genevieve was born. My heart felt so full I swore it would burst before I had the chance to give birth. I felt so much love for my time with Mya and who she had made me during her first two years, and I felt so much guilt for having another baby take away any time she might've had with me. I felt the same when Elle came into our lives, except my guilt for Mya just grew and grew. And I am starting to feel the same again. I worry that I don't give Mya ample time to just be with me. We are always surrounded by other little hands and voices. Sometimes I can see the sheer disappointment in her face when she's trying to tell me something, but we're constantly interrupted. She generally shakes her head and whispers, "I'll just tell you later mom. It's okay." And I know it is okay, but it makes me heart all the same. But you should know that every time we've welcomed another baby into our home, it's Mya that is the most excited. She loves her family. We are her everything, and quite honestly she is mine. They are all mine.

I really want this baby to come. Even as I write on the blog, I am wishing my water would just break, but I know my body doesn't do labor like that. My body requires some extra help to start labor, but I'm determined not to drink any castor oil this time around and eating an entire pineapple is out of the question. I'm hopeful she'll come when she's supposed to, but I hope that is soon. Please be soon baby girl. Mama can't take the pain in my legs much longer. We are ready for you here. All your clothes are washed. We finally bought you a new car seat. And I think we have enough diapers to survive your first 20 days of life. That sounds prepared, right? Right? Please come. I'm dying to meet you.