A little more than two weeks ago, we went out to eat pizza with some friends. We laughed about life, we talked about home buying (they were looking to buy a house), and we talked about future playdates for our kids. Little did we know then that life would uproot and unravel itself so quickly the week following.
The next week at work I became acutely aware that the Coronavirus was a much bigger thing than I had ever really thought. In fact, I don't think I had really thought much about it until a couple of weeks ago. With each passing day, more information started trickling down the different media channels and it looked like Indiana schools would close for a couple of weeks. I thought that would be the worst of it. I naively sat at my good friend's table late in the week, scheduling playdates so we could make it through school not being in session. Even then, I did not understand. Two days later, we cancelled those playdates. All after school activities were subsequently cancelled and postponed. And restaurants were closed, except for takeout. It only took a handful of days to go from joking about the virus to suddenly realizing life was going to look and feel drastically different for awhile.
A few days later, Emilie told us she was going home. She had been acting funny after school, but I just assumed she wasn't feeling well or was annoyed by the noisy house. She had, just the day prior, committed to staying with us through the four-week school closure, so her leaving was the farthest thing from my mind. However, as the kids starting throwing their plates in the sink after dinner and resuming their normal play, I noticed her demeanor did not change, and she told us that she felt she needed to go home. My heart broke into a million pieces. I just didn't realize how much she had become a part of me and our family until the moment she said, "I've decided to go home." She was gone 3 days later. I will be forever grateful for the peaceful, yet tear-filled drive we took to Target the night she announced she was leaving. She needed more luggage, so we snuck out the garage and went to find some. We talked, cried and laughed, and I felt love for her in a way I never really allowed myself to feel before that night.
Once Emilie left, we all came home with aching hearts and dizzy heads, knowing we faced a new normal. I created a daily schedule, which has been modified multiple times since, and we have been trying to forge ahead into the unknown.
We are living in the unknown--the upside down if you will. I never really feel settled or sure. I get close, only to learn the next day that something has changed or happened. My anxiety has gotten the better of me more than I'd like to admit. Every time someone coughs or sneezes, I feel the need to take our temperature. (I don't, but I feel like it.) I have a lot of pressure in my chest, which I have more than once googled to see if it happens to be what is described in the virus, but so far, it's boiled down to anxiety attacks. I run just to breathe fresh air but find myself more sad on my walks than before.
It's been a lot. And I'm mostly fine because I have to be fine. If I didn't have small children, I'd probably close up shop and never leave my bed, but my kids are keeping me alive and moving. For that I am thankful. Early last week, when my anxiety was high and my sadness even higher, I decided to do as I had always done--look outward and upward. I looked inside myself at my personal education and talents and I fueled that into something positive. I began helping my brother with some website writing. I came up with a basic curriculum for my preschool kids. I called my math teacher best friend and recruited her as a math tutor. I made a homemade banner to display in my window for my neighbor who just lost his wife. We made posters for the local grocery stores and hospital. We made a big meal and took it to people who live alone.
The thing about this whole situation is that it's easy to be consumed with anxiety, fear and sadness about this very real storm. I'm there a couple of times a day, but it's also very possible to shine in the darkness. We just need to look inside ourselves, steady the parts that are shaky (even if it's just for a moment), remember the tools and talents we've earned or been given, and use them to help others. My good friend reminded me recently that we are the most educated generation. We know things about health and safety that previous generations didn't know. We are so lucky. We should smile with gratitude to be living this beautifully messy life.
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