Enjoying it.

 I read a quote from Kurt Vonnegut today. It hit me with a lightning bolt sensation, causing me to stand very still and reflect the simplicity of what he was saying. He said:

"When I was 15, I spent a month working on an archeological dig. I was talking to one of the archeologists one day during our lunch break and he asked those kinds of 'getting to know you' questions you ask young people: Do you play sports? What's your favorite subject? And I told him, no I don't play any sports. I do theater, I'm in choir, I play the violin and piano, I used to take art classes. 

"And he went, Wow! That's amazing! And I said, 'Oh no, but I'm not good at any of them.'

"And he said something then that I will never forget and which absolutely blew my mind because no one had ever said anything like it to me before: 'I don't think being good at things is the point of doing them. I think you've got all these wonderful experiences with different skills, and that all teaches you things and makes you an interesting person, no matter how well you do them.'

"And that honestly changed my life. Because I went from a failure, someone who hadn't been talented enough at anything to excel, to someone who did things because I enjoyed them. I had been raised in such an achievement-oriented environment, so inundated with the myth of Talent, that I thought it was only worth doing things if you could 'win' at them."

Reread that. Let it sink in. 

How many things have you given up on because you tried a few times and probably failed a few times? I'm not referring to only sports and exercise here. This is a metaphor for life. 

We are a very success-driven society. Be the best or you don't matter--no one actually says this out loud, but they express it in different ways. I think of all the things I've started, such as this blog, which I loved for so many years, but because of time and lack of writing inspiration, I felt like I let it down and so I basically closed up shop, only popping in from time to time to appease family members. But I loved writing! And it shouldn't matter if a blog post is deep or shallow, what matters is that something is written.

I think about other interests I've ditched throughout my life, throwing them into the basket of "well, no one really noticed I was good at that, so I better try something new." And tossing those interests aside really did make me feel like a failure, not the actual interest itself, but the act of tossing it aside. Like Janine-you gave up on yourself. You do it all the time. You're pretty lame. 

But I'm not lame (well, Mya might tell you otherwise). I'm not a failure.

Recently I started learning more about photography, and I have absolutely loved the education behind the lens and the camera. I have also loved being with different families, spending time with them for a few minutes and laughing with them. I'm posting bits and pieces of my photography journey, and while it's new and exciting, it's also completely terrifying because I feel like a fraud in so many ways. Like why are you even trying to do this?!! I don't understand or have a drive to take part in the social media aspect of networking, but I know that if I want to branch out into other things, I need to, but doing it scares me. And being scared makes me think of failure. And I don't want to fail at this. I just want to keep loving this new piece of me that brings color into my life that I've missed. 

Writing used to bring so much color to my life, but I stopped writing for some reason (5 kids probably). I miss writing. So after reading this quote today I reminded myself what my friend Ashley said, "Let this (photography) be your hobby. It doesn't have to be your job. Everyone enjoys hobbies; not many enjoy their jobs." So this will be my hobby, and I will continue to enjoy it without the pressure of failing or succeeding.