Why do I always feel the need to write at midnight? I should be sleeping. I always regret this the next day, but I know I'll toss and turn in bed if I don't get the thoughts out of my head.
I distinctly remember the last time I wrote about "curveballs." I had just arrived home from my best friend's wedding in Utah and had taken a 4th pregnancy test only to receive the same answer that I was pregnant. In disbelief, Tim and I looked at the positive sign in our tiny Peoria apartment, wondering how we were going to have another baby since we had just had a baby 3 months earlier.
I typed the words: Sometimes life throws you curveballs; just don't let them knock you down.
Life has thrown quite a few curveballs at us in recent months. Some good, some bad, some already forgotten. Somehow we are still standing, even though several curveballs have gotten close enough to knock us down. Tonight as I repeated some of my fears and concerns to Tim, I could feel my chest tighten with anxiety, but then almost as quickly as the anxiety filled my chest, peace filled my heart, and I remembered these thoughts from 5 years ago.
What I didn't know when I looked at those pregnancy tests was that I would miscarry several weeks later. I didn't know that my heart would shatter in a million pieces following that miscarriage. I didn't know that I could experience postpartum depression after a miscarriage. I didn't know I would doubt God, religion, and life. I didn't know I would stop believing in everything all together for a time and wallow in a very dark place. And I didn't know that I would somehow find the ability to push forward until I could breathe again.
I didn't know any of that when I wrote those words. I think I wrote them trying to will my brain into believing them. It didn't totally work. But I believe it now. I believe life has a way of working out, even if that means we feel pain for a bit. Things will be okay. I have faith in God. I believe He has faith in me. He will guide me through the spinning curveballs and lead me to where I need to be. He always has.