happening a lot these days

This girl refuses to sit. She rears her body back, flips over to her belly, finds the nearest edge to hold on to and propels herself up on those two chubby little feet. I love watching her stand. Her body reminds me so much of my Mya when she began walking at this age. Can you believe Mya walked just after her 9 month birthday?! She was just a little midget baby sneaking past all the old people at church. She loved it. 

Elle isn't close to walking. She doesn't have the balance yet, but boy she can cling to the edge of any object with catlike reflexes. I love this little girl. And I love that her sisters love her just as much!

solutions

It's been a few days since my last very depressing post. I'm sorry about that, but I needed to get the feelings out of my chest, and I know no better place but this place because well, it's my place. I can be me here.

We have no real solutions yet. Tim's company is bending and neither are we so we are in an interesting spot. We've never been here before. Tim and I are slowly coming up with ideas to help mend the situation, but this next year is going to be difficult. It is going to try us in ways we were not expecting.

After a lot of thinking and soul searching, I've decided life just sucks sometimes. It just does. But when it's done sucking, we will come out ahead and we will look back at this period of time and just think, "Hey...we made it. We did that. Now we can do anything."

I did a forced smile for the first time. Tim loves my forced smile. It is his favorite one. Today I smiled for real. I laughed too. We ate dinner with our dear friends and I looked at them and thought life is good to us still. It has given us wonderful friends all over the country. You all know who you are.

fast balls.

life is not just throwing us curve balls, it is throwing 100 mph fast balls at us directly where it hurts. and it's hurting a lot right now.  even now as i write, i write with an unsettling uncertainty that makes it hard to breathe. i may seem exaggerated or foolish, but i don't really care. i used to be spontaneous. i am not anymore. three kids will do that to you.

i am a planner, and as of late all of my best laid plans have gone to crap. the biggest stress on my mind is this damn move which is literally crippling me in so many ways. nothing about this move has been smooth. nothing. it makes me second guess why we are even doing it or if we even should. we just received a huge piece of bad news this week that has me tearing up in the quiet moments of the day. i wonder about 100 times a day: "how will we live?" or "how will we eat?" or "how do i pretend nothing is wrong for my girls?"

i am angry. i am sad. i feel alone. i know all my emotions and feelings are straining the only really great thing in my life: my marriage. we look at each other with uncertainty and concern. we want to talk but it seems talking just makes things worse so we just say only the necessary things. i know tim is doing all he can to solve the problems we are currently facing, but i also know that the solution is likely out of tim's hands and left in the hands of a global corporation who doesn't seem to care one bit about a small family in milwaukee.

i am trying to trust. i am trying to have faith. i have been praying, but i feel guilty and ashamed to ask for any extra help because i haven't really keeping up with my relationship with god. so i don't ask. i just talk and cry and feel so deeply confused that i don't really know what to do. a dear friend of mine recently told me, "i don't think god works like that. i don't think he willing withholds his love from his children just because they've been 'slacking' a bit." i want so much to believe her.

this is life at its very rawest point. i am completely vulnerable. only time can heal my bruised spirit. luckily, i have time. i just don't have a lot of patience so the healing process will probably be painful before relief can come.

i'm not allowing comments for this post. if you wish to contact me, please use email. i'll be back with great pictures of one of my best friends and her children who visited us this week in a day or two. she was a much needed distraction from the stress of my life. kara, you may never know how much you saved me this week. thanks;)

this face

I die for this face. I make her do it at least one hundred times a day, and I don't even feel bad about it. My Elle Belle is doing great these days. She sits alone for long periods of time without crying for her mama. It's aaaaamazing! She is also chunking out so it helps give my arm a little break from time to time when its just about to give out. 

She is scooting and babbling all the live long day. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so glad she is in our family. She really is a joy.

it will be a long time michigan...

 ^^mya helped grama doot make some really delicious homemade pizza.^^

 

^^this girl really knows how to eat her ice cream. she gets that from both sides of the family.^^ 

^^tim's mom invited all the extended family down to kalamazoo on saturday for a bbq cookout. everyone really outdid themselves with the ribs, the potato salad, the spaghetti salad, the homemade baked beans and the caramel brownies. i'll be running it off for a week.^^

^^although genevieve isn't smiling, you should know that she loves michigan and she loves her grama. it will be so hard for her to not see her every few months. my girls have been really spoiled.^^

Oh Michigan, you were my first introduction to the Midwest. You tricked me into falling in love with all your colorful leaves, delicious apple cider and die-hard football fans. I will miss having you four hours away. I know we will be back, but it won't be for a long, long time. Four flights from San Diego cost a pretty penny. And considering the cost of living in San Diego, we will probably use all those pretty pennies. 

Until next time...

one day i might write a book about moving

{Taken today on our way home from Michigan. Oh Wisconsin, I will miss you.}

One day, I might write a book about moving. And it will likely be the most boring book you'll ever read.

But seeing as I am quickly becoming an expert on moving, I feel like I should impart some wisdom that I have gleamed over the years:

--Use your resources: Before we move, we always get in contact with someone who lives at our future destination. We didn't know a soul in Peoria so we called a local church leader in the area who then put us in contact with a young family who were comparable to our situation. I called and became quick friends with the mom, and she helped us locate our house in that area. For Milwaukee, we talked to Tim's aunt and uncle about where to live. Once we narrowed our options, I again contacted a church leader in the area and found our current rental. I can't express this enough: use your resources. If you don't have any, make them and make them fast. 
--Dejunk daily: The day I learn we are moving I begin throwing away roughly a garbage bag of unwanted junk/trash/papers a day. This makes it sound like we have piles of junk lying around our house. Not so. It always amazes me how much junk can accumulate in drawers, on nightstands and under coffee tables so I am always quick to get rid of anything and everything. Become friends with your trash can and don't be afraid to throw things away. I promise you will not need that receipt in six months. 
--Organize rooms/closets into categories: We are lucky enough to have movers pack all of our stuff. I guess lucky is a relative term because I would rather pack all my own things because I like to organize as I go, but it is nice to have movers because they do what I do in a month in four hours. So I'm not complaining. However, unless you want to find loose change or random lipsticks/chapsticks wrapped in packing paper, organize things into ziplock bags or make piles so the movers can easily pack boxes the way you want. Be aware of your small items. I've lost plenty of small, expensive items because I didn't know they were wrapped in packing paper.
--Ask for help: I never really need help in the packing and organizing department, but I do need help when it comes to cleaning. Usually I do all the cleaning myself because I am meticulous in the way I do things and know what landlords are looking for when they complete the final cleaning check. However, it is impossible to clean with three little sticky girls running around the house. People are always offering to help so rather than asking them to help me clean, I ask them to take shifts with my girls and I clean while my kids enjoy the toys and outdoors of a friend's house. This year, I may also take people up on their offers to help clean my house just to get it done in a timely matter. I must emphasize this fact...it is easy to clean a house that is cleaned regularly. I deep clean my house a lot so it really isn't all that difficult come moving day. 
--Move on a Thursday/Friday, and then take a few days off: We try to move right before the weekend so we can move in on Saturday and Sunday. Tim also opts to take a few days off right after we get to a new locations so we can organize things before work begins. It would take months to put things away if he did not take a few days off. We basically work until wee hours of the night to get things done because like I said, it is so hard to do anything with these little munchkins of ours so early mornings, naptimes and late nights are our friends for a few days.
--Decorate as soon as possible: It is easier to feel at home if your new house actually looks like a home. I know some people wait to decorate or don't see a need to decorate "if they are just renting" but I disagree completely. I love getting my art and pictures on the walls.
--Realize your budget is going to go out the window during the month you move: Moving tanks your budget. You always eat out more than you plan and unexpected expenses always arise so be flexible with yourself and your budget.

Those are a few pointers I can give you out of my experience. I honestly can't believe California will be the fourth state Genevieve will live in, and she's two! Nothing but family is ever really constant in our life so I am grateful to have flexible girls. They may not love moving, but they do it because they are always excited to embark on "new adventures."

i hope they remember

^^photo by genevieve grey^^

Want to know one of my biggest fears? I fear my kids will only remember the crazy me. The me that yells like crazy to get the kids in the car when we are running ten minutes late. The me that flips out when the girls run through the pile of muck I've recently swept. Or the me that says bitter sarcastic things without thinking just because I'm tired and well...mostly just tired. 

Those moments use to happen a lot. They don't anymore. But I am still hard on myself and on them when things I plan don't always go as planned. I am slowly learning to be flexible, but it is a learning curve. You know? 

I want them to remember moments like the one above where I hug them so tight and let them claw at my face just because it makes them laugh. Or the moments I let them dress me because they know "what mommies should wear." Or the moments where I kiss their face all over until they squeal for freedom. Or the moments where they help me bake and steal tasties every time I turn my head. Or all the moments we spend reading book after book after naptime. 

I love being a mom. It is going to refine the crazy out of me even if it takes a lifetime.

my monday morning chatter: 

tim and i loved this article. to get the full article, you have to subscribe to time magazine...but it's worth it: The me me me generation

i'm getting pretty good at moving. if you are moving soon, here are some tips: Organizing checklists 

my go-to skirt this summer. it's cheap and wonderful: Striped Pencil Skirts

a summer craft for the mamas: Outdoor coasters

i really love this song right now: Hero