The pain.

I often wonder if this dull ache that lies quiet in my heart will ever really go away. Watching my kids grow up is absolutely beautiful and fun and wonderful, but it is also deeply painful in a way I struggle to describe. I used to live for the phrase, "I can do it myself," but I find myself dreading it these days. My oldest three girls are basically self-sufficient. They could, in theory, take care of a household. The fact that I pay a babysitter when we go out is maddening because my girls are the ones who put the babies to bed and help them with their needs. They are just little moms. They even know how to cook (basic things), do the laundry, and clean necessary rooms. I am hardly important anymore (wink, wink).

But tonight as I went in to Timmy's darkened bedroom to stop him from kicking his legs repeatedly into his crib, I felt my heart sink a little as I held him tight to my body and we rested on his rocking chair, cheek to cheek. Soon he will be more independent and won't need me as much as he currently does, and the thought of that surprisingly makes me sad. I could not have anticipated this happening to me so many years ago. I longed for my independence too, but now I long to be needed. I want to serve and listen and be present with my kids as long as they will have me.

Will this ache ever feel less painful? Will it?

1 comment :

  1. Oh girl... I'm hurting too. Tyler is chomping at the bit for a vasectomy, he's just waiting for me to say "go for it"... and I just can't. Its so hard for me to admit that we are done. My kids are still pretty needy and I'm not ready for a baby again... yet... but will I be in a couple of years? I'm not ready to let go of that possibility. and just raising older kids is scary... the influences, social media, mean kids, kids wanting to grow up fast... I'm not ready to parent this. My babies I can keep close and be the only influence in their lives... it feels so safe. UGH! Sorry you are hurting. I feel you, I really do.

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