fertility issues: babies...and the lack thereof

Even though I have two little peanuts of my own, the subject of infertility has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. I feel particularly close to this subject because I have so many friends who want to grow their families, and yet they have not been given the opportunity to do so. And when I say I have a lot of friends struggling with this problem, I am talking double digits. And in my little realm, that seems like a lot of people to me.

After we had Mya, I had a series of tests done that revealed that my hormones are a bit out of whack and that I do not ovulate properly. To this day, I am thankful for my honest doctor who looked me straight in the eyes and said, "It's going to be harder to get and stay pregnant the next time around. You should know and prepare for that." And it was. Mya was an absolute miracle baby for us. I still don't understand how she skipped the crazy steps I had to take to have V, but boy am I grateful she came. My doctor was right. It was harder to conceive V. But she came after we handed over lots of cash, time and tears.

You know how people often say, It's hard to explain unless you've gone through it? Well, that's completely true. Wanting a baby and not having one is a heartbreaking experience. It shakes you at your very core. I can't tell you the amount of times I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test without telling Tim only to hope that I would be able to surprise him later. After dozens of failed tests, I decided to forgo that idea. It made the hurt worse. I also can't tell you how many times my doctor and I spoke frankly about the subject and how she listened to me and even hugged me. Yes, I let her hug me because I felt that in some strange way she really understood my situation even though she was unmarried and had never gone through it. I guess I figured we had something in common. She wanted something. So did I. And it hadn't happened yet.

I'd like to say that I grew up during that experience, and perhaps I did. But if I have to go through it again (and I know I will have to go through it again), I wonder if I will remember the lessons I learned.

Lesson 1: I learned a lot about patience. I read and reread these words more than I'd like to recount,

"Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter. Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace" (Dieter F. Uchtdorf: Continue in Patience)

Lesson 2: I learned to live in the moment. There were times I wondered if I would ever have the chance to give birth again or give Mya a sibling, but I learned to stop worrying so much about what I could not change and to live in the moment and to love the family I did have. This experience comes to mind when I think about this lesson. 

Lesson 3: I learned that ultimately we cannot tell God what we want Him to do, even when we want Him to help us with a good desire. This was the hardest lesson to learn. Do you know how much I hated hearing, "Things will happen when they are supposed to." Still thinking about that phrase makes me growl. Grrr. I think it mostly irritates me because I'd think, "Duh, I know that. I don't need you to tell me that." And if you know me, you know that is exactly what I'd think. But there is truth in that horrible saying. We cannot command God. We just can't. And I'm not an expert on this one so I think I'll just leave it at that. 

If you've experienced this or are still experiencing this, what lessons have you learned? Think about it and write them down because I promise you'll want to read them later. What more can I say? Well, I'm sorry. I ache with you and those dang negative pregnancy tests. I don't know why it isn't happening for you right now, but someone does. I know He does. After the miscarriage, I've really taken a step back and have been able to see my life for what it is and what I want it to be. I know I want more kids (at least one more) in the future. We really want a little Timmy running his with rolly legs around these parts, but that will have to wait. My body, my mind and my spirit are not ready to endure that again at this point.