It's getting a little tiresome to chalk all my feelings up to my damn, ever-changing hormones. One minute I'm smiling, and the next I'm crumpled beside my couch with my head in my hands rocking back in forth. I have felt so much anger lately--anger about the dumbest things, such as the wind blowing too hard during dinner last night, Tim kissing me goodbye before work, the dishes, the never-ending piles of paper, bright lights, gray skies, too many rainy days, etc. The list could go on and on, but you get the point. Little things that usually don't bother me currently make my skin boil. And I let it boil and boil until it bubbles over, and I blow up like a crazy person.
Someone needs to turn my fire down and put a lid on me stat. Either that, or I need to get a few good nights of rest. The lack of sleep I'm experiencing is definitely not helping me cope with everything.
Tim and the kids try to accommodate my varying emotions, but it's hard. I can see frustration in their eyes. The more frustration I notice, the more I spiral down and down. It always starts with me exploding out of nowhere, then I feel guilty for losing it, then I feel frustrated that I feel guilty (because am I not justified in my anger???), then I feel ashamed that I have to say sorry, and then I feel sad because saying sorry never seems like it's enough.
And I cycle around and around and around this terrible circle every single day. Of course I have good moments where nothing bothers me and all the world feels right, but those moments have definitely been rare over the past few weeks, and I'm teetering on insanity.
Postpartum blues can be extremely crippling--and mostly because no matter how many words I use, I can't quite explain all that I feel. I was hoping that by writing it out, my heart would feel comforted, but now I'm worried about all the people who will read this and worry. Please don't worry. This is a phase, and it will pass.
And please don't say to me, "Well, you chose this life." (I won't even tell you how many people say this to me if I let my guard down and tell them what's been going on in my heart.) Because I know I chose this life. I love my family. I love that my girls are close. The chaos calms me most of the time, just not at the moment. My body is unsettled. I don't understand how my hormones work, and I'm not really sure why my body is choosing to react this way, but I am doing all I can to find the silver linings while my proverbial skies are gray.
In completely other news, Felicity tried rice cereal for the first time, and I'm pretty sure she didn't consume any of it. It all ended up on her pajamas. For some reason I forgot to get her a bib. Oh well. The kids loved helping feed her. Isn't she a beauty?