the thing about my eating disorder

The thing about my eating disorder is that even though the physical actions of the disorder ceased years ago, the mind battle is so very present on a day-to-day, and sometime moment-to-moment basis. Some days, I find myself knee deep in the murky battlefield, struggling to find relief.

And yes, I know what some of you are thinking, "What do you have to worry about? You're thin." I know I'm thin. This has nothing to do with being thin.

Nearly everyday, I receive comments about how quickly I lost the baby weight or how people can't believe my body could ever birth four babies or how I need to be eating more to sustain Birdie, and the list goes on and on. The comments, as kind as they are, attack me at my very core because no matter how hard I try, I cannot see what others see. They see the real me. But when I look in the mirror, I see the me plus twenty fictitious pounds.

I never know what to say when people talk to me about my weight. Ninety five percent of them have no knowledge of my prior eating disorder, and they in no way mean to hurt me by showering me with compliments, but for some reason, their comments make my insides ache, and sometimes boil. I usually reply, "My mom gave me her thin frame, and I'm a runner." But the questions and comments continue. The more they ask, the more I shut down.

Eating disorders are a lifetime struggle for most people, whether they struggle with overeating, anxious eating, eating too little, or purging. Even if a person is seemingly healthy in the eyes of medical professionals or society, no one knows how dark it feels on the inside. I can't really describe the darkness, mostly because it isn't always present, but when it is, it is suffocating. Lately, I have been avoiding all mirrors. It started a little over a month ago when a few women really badgered and belittled me about my weight, and I came home to see someone very different in the mirror. I burst into tears and fell face first on my bed to collect myself so my kids wouldn't know something was wrong.

I'm not sure there is a resolution to this post because I am struggling to find one, but I just wanted to write my thoughts down because surely there must be someone else out there that feels this way. In my perfect world, no one would care what one another looks like. I'd hope we could look past outward appearances and just find beauty in all its forms. It amazes me how quickly I can see beauty in art or in the world around me, but I struggle to find it in myself, even if I look for hours.

I wish this disease on no one. No one.


  1. After discussing feeling worried about having to wear a swimsuit to an upcoming pool party: "What do you have to worry about weight for?" That's the one that bothers me the most. As if, because I'm smaller than the person I'm talking to, I have no right to feel self-conscious, or like I need/would like to lose a few, or that I don't like my hips, or that I'm not the same weight or shape as I was five years ago. And it's always women. I don't think I've ever felt any man's eyes on me studying nearly as much as I have other women when in a swimsuit. But I do it too. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice the woman walking towards the pool in her black, one-piece swimsuit, thighs slimmer than my own...why? Why do we do this? Who taught us to be so judgemental? And of ourselves, especially? Hundreds of men take off their shirts the moment they get to the beach, without fear or shame, and feel no judgment, and yet I know it takes most women an internal pep-talk, a few adjustments to remove that sarong...maybe making sure they've got a spot closer to the water just so there's less time to be spotted. Ugh, am I right? Anyways, I'm thinking of you, and you're such a strong cookie you'll get through this and hopefully feel like yourself again soon. xx

  2. totally ignore the cover of this book! How much does your soul weigh! definitely helped me see a different perspective!

    also this blog has been really helpful for the mental part! good luck friend and just know that you are not alone.

    I agree! lately I have had a hard time thinking of a scenario where it is okay to comment on someone else body! stopping the "fat chat" is so hard! sometimes it seems so positive "you are so skinny" "have you lost weight you look so good!" etc... After candi became and dental hygientist and shortly after a mother the only thing people seem to comment on was how great she looked for having a baby! I have been so guilty of commenting on people bodies too! I am really mindful not to do that anymore! thank you for sharing!

  3. Having that kind of disorder can really be infuriating, since it negatively affects your daily living. It's really hard to face an eating disorder, but you should still be thankful of the fact that you are accepted by your family, and that you yourself admits to it. Continue to fight as long as you can, and everything will get better. Thanks for sharing that, Janine! I wish you all the best!

    Margaretta Cloutier @ Aspire Wellness Center


"Be kind and considerate with your criticism... It's just as hard to write a bad book as it is to write a good book." Malcolm Cowley