Take a deep breath

Tonight I watched Elle thrash around her room, scooting this way and that on her back and kicking her legs in every direction. She was out of her mind with anger toward Mya, who apparently had tattled that Elle had said a bad word, and Elle denied all of it. She screamed, "She's always so mean to me. She always blames things on me." I leaned against one of the beds in her room, watching the scene unfold, listening to her every shrill. My kids are excellent tattlers, and they think that by throwing someone under the bus that they will be rewarded, which is not the case, but man, it's tricky.

Mya had already explained what had happened before I went to Elle's room, so I knew both sides. I have learned to listen to both sides, and rather than deciding which side I believe, I just explain that I've heard and understood their side. This helped calm Mya down, but it did not do anything for Elle. She was in full blackout rage mode, and all I could do was wait for my window to approach her. That window usually opens when you hear the breathing slow just slightly and when you can get the child to answer a question unrelated to the current situation. I waited and waited. Nothing. I kept repeating, "I need you to try and take a deep breath. Breathe in with me and blow it all out." I kept taking deep breaths, calming myself right down, even though I didn't need to be calm because I wasn't worked up at all, but I hoped that Elle would catch on and follow my lead. It took about 15 minutes for her breathing to slow. The moment I heard a longer exhale I inched my way closer to her and took her in my arms.

I told her that sometimes there isn't a right way to handle things, and that sometimes it sucks to be misunderstood. I told her I was sorry she was upset and that I would do my best to understand the situation if she wanted to talk about it. She quickly shook her head. So I just held her, breathing in and out, in and out.

I believe a lot of bad situations would result differently if people took the time to steady and slow their breathing. I've learned a lot about breathing from running and exercise. I cannot run for long periods or exercise at high intensity if I don't control what feels uncontrollable. The same thing happens with my kids and with me too, if I am being honest. If I can't control my breath in a difficult situation, then I usually react poorly. I've worked so hard on this over my years as a mother.

Sometimes you'll find me in my closet, breathing in and out, in and out, just to escape the building frustration from constant noise or bickering, and it has helped immensely.

So there you have it...a goal for 2019...take more deep breaths and then blow them all out and away. I promise it will help.