she.

I remember all the firsts with Mya, even when she was in my womb. With Genevieve, the memories begin to get spotty. With Elle, they are almost nonexistent. Each phase passes quicker with each kid, and because I am insanely busy trying to keep up behind them, I often forget to celebrate the firsts that I once cherished with Mya. It's not that I don't squeal with delight over the the first kick, first sitting pose, first crawl, first step, first face plant, etc., but I often forget to record those moments.

However, I am savoring this pregnancy. In the stillness of the night when all the world around me seems to be dreaming, I rub my belly and whisper things to her. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry. She will likely be my last, and that is a hard thing to swallow. The more my girls age, the more I grow into motherhood and the more I love what I have chosen to do with my life. It is hard to imagine not bringing another little soul into the world. It is a thought I am working out with this little one of mine. I ask her if she's the last in line or if perhaps there is one more holding her hand waiting to come to this home we've created. I ask her if she'll be happy here and if she's been watching her sisters all these years. She has some pretty big shoes to fill. Being the baby in this house is no small order. But most of all I ask her about her two temporary homes, the one inside my belly and the one in heaven. She hasn't answered much of anything, but I know she is there. I know she is listening. I feel peace as I talk to her, and I know the answers will come in time.

For now, I'm enjoying my role as a physical house. It's been the worst pregnancy of all my girls. It's basically humbled every ounce of my body, but I am grateful to be able to do what I am doing as I realize it is not something everyone is able to do.

Baby girl, mama and daddy love you. I would be lying if I didn't admit that we had hoped you were a boy. The news broke our hearts a little. We've processed all I think we needed to process regarding not having a certain gender, and I want you to know that we are honored you will have us as parents. We love the girls we have, and you will have an instant place in our family the moment you grace us with your presence. Please forgive us for feeling a little let down for a day or so. We are, of course, only human. We already love you. See you soon.