Enjoying fall football...She looks so cute as a cheerleader.
Just had to show you her new fall shoes. So cute. And we got them for $10.
Mya wants to help me every time I am in the kitchen. While making meatloaf on Sunday, she had her first experience with cracking an egg. Step one: Try and break it with her bare hands. Didn't work...although both Tim and I were impressed with the muscles in her arms.
Step Two: Have mom teach how to crack it on the counter.
Step Three: Crack it and have no idea what to do with the insides. It went everywhere. Tim and I just laughed. She was so funny.
I had to put a picture up of our meatloaf. Tim was very proud of it. Yes, that is bacon on top.
She loves to peel potatoes. Weird. I know. But she insists on helping every time.
To understand the title of the post, read below:
Up again. It's way too early in the morning. I have been wide awake at 5 or 5:30 without the help of an alarm a few too many times this week. A lot on my mind I guess. Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker at work. Our boss just hired a new girl to help out in the front even though it was already crowded on most occasions with the two of us. The new girl compliments every detail of my outfit, my other co-workers and my boss every day. She is gushing with kindness. Too much, "Hi Janine...I love your hair today." Even when I didn't have time to do it so I put it back in a ponytail. "Janine, did you do something different with your makeup?" Nope, just didn't wear any. "Janine, I love your dress. What color of orange is that?" Umm, orange? "Janine, I love...love...love working here." Really? Wow. A little too enthusiastic to be dealing with demanding 20 yr. olds.So she is literally killing me with kindness. And not only me. She is driving the other front desk girl crazy. We try not to entertain her compliments and just simply say "Thanks" or "Sure." I figure if we don't do it back, maybe she will stop someday. She has to stop, right? Well, back to the conversation I had with the other front desk girl. When our new little peach was at lunch, she compared the three of us and said, "You are mean. She is way too nice. And I am somewhere in the middle." Well, I don't really think I am mean so I just stayed quiet and waited for her to say something else. She said, "Well, you aren't really mean. You just do what you want to do and say what you want to say and if someone doesn't like it, you don't really care. Also, you aren't very sympathetic." Her statement has stayed with me, bouncing off every trigger point in my brain.
It may be true that I don't really need someone's approval or blessing for me to be happy. I don't. I know who and what I care about, and I believe those people know that I would do anything for them. However, I do care about things I can change. I don't have the attitude, even though I may seem to at work, that I am who I am and cannot or will not change. Nope. I believe in change. I know we can change the bad, annoying or insecure things about us. I have changed several things about myself in recent years although I think my current working 40-hours a week is turning me back into someone I don't really like.
I don't love who I see in the mirror. Not the physical me. But the me behind the tired and red eyes. The me that no one but Tim really sees. I don't love that I feel anxious when I am with Mya for more than 6 hours alone. I don't love that I don't talk to a single person other than my neighbor and Tim at church. I don't love that I don't have time to cook a decent meal each night. I don't love that I live my life after work hour by hour and just pray that 10pm comes soon. I don't love feeling rushed. I am always in a hurry to do something or be somewhere. I don't love that there are days I screen calls because I just don't have time to deal with someone else but myself.
Basically, there is a lot I don't love. And I know I need to change. So I will take it one day at a time. Even though there is a lot in my life I don't love, there are a lot of things I really like. I started cooking again on Sundays. That makes me happy. I made a pie two weeks ago that made my mouth water. Tim and I took Mya to the library for the first time since she was a year old and made me think we would never return. We checked out some books and enjoy reading all of them at night. Mya is becoming quite the reader. Obviously she doesn't read, but she enjoys being read to at any point of the day. Tim and I still make time for the gym which is my own little piece of heaven. Just love being there. And love exercising. It puts new life into me. Football is back. Which means...I love our Saturdays. The last two weeks have been entertaining. The final thing before I head to the shower that I really like is the fact that I am still reading the Bible. I am loving the New Testament and have found a renewed sense of peace as I learn from people a little better than myself.
Here's to defying the old saying: "I am who I am and cannot change, so deal with it." I desire to change. I don't know when a full change can happen. I guess when I have more time in my life to smile at things that really mean something to me. Like my family. Like my few friends. Like life.
Janine, I have to tell you that I love you just the way you are! You are awesome, beautiful, hilarious, and the list goes on. Sounds like you and your little fam need a relaxing trip to San Diego! ;-)
ReplyDeleteJanine,
ReplyDeleteA quote from Alexander Pope popped into my head while reading your post:
"Trust not yourself; but your defects to know, make use of every friend and every foe."
Sometimes it takes an outsider to hold a mirror up to our face. Sometimes we hate the reflection that's shown to us. But what matters most is what we choose to do with information. You are choosing to work on a change. I applaud that. Only you know what that change should be.
Since we've been dear friends for well over a thousand years, I can confidently say that you are capable of any change you want to make. I've seen it in action. You are such an awesome lady, and I applaud your candid honesty.
Here's to not remaining stagnant,
Ashley
Janine! Thanks for your comment on the blog. That was the first thing I thought of when she said you weren't sympathetic. But I totally understand the feeling like you have to change. I feel that way on a daily basis. I've had a lot of people tell me I am intimidating and rude. It's not like I'm TRYING to be rude, it just comes out that way. I'm pretty easily irritated even when I'm not pregnant and I've been trying SO hard to see the good in people rather than their flaws (which by the way are WAY easier to see) and it's really tough! But if you want it badly enough you can change it.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the story about the new help up front! That just cracks me up!! But I also like how she made you realize something about yourself and now you want to change for the better.
ReplyDeleteI am the EXACT same way as you tho! When you were reading off the list you don't like about yourself I was saying to myself "check, check". So now YOU make ME want to be better!
So I'm with ya! I'm gonna become a better cook and cleaner and not complain about doing the things a wife should do :)
OK I totally noticed the muscles in her arms right away!! So buff little Mya.
ReplyDeleteI completely know the feeling of not liking what you see. The first two years of Maddie's life, I worked 40 hours a week too, and I remember the feeling of being anxious to be alone with her.
ReplyDeleteAnd I remember looking in the mirror, same as you, and feeling so disgusted with myself for not being the mom, wife, homemaker, I "should" be. It took time and a LOT of patience (and i'm still working on it), but i've learned to not let a 40 hr work week define who I am or for other people for that matter. You know who you are and who you want to be, so take it a day at a time like you said. Oh and a whole lot of prayer too. :)
You are a WONDERFUL person, and I so look forward to your blog posts. It is refreshing to read and I do appreciate how open you are--many people are too concerned with their superficial images to really write about the things of the heart. Thank you for taking the time to write what so many of us feel but just won't say.