an explanation...

The past 13+ weeks have perhaps been some of the most trying of my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is true. I found out I was pregnant on June 30th. It was something I had been waiting for, praying for and hoping for since who knows when. The day we found out was one of the happiest days of my life. Then suddenly, my feelings began to rapidly change. I felt anxious. Depressed. Sad. Angry. My hormones literally took me on an emotional roller coaster that I was not prepared for. I had expected this pregnancy to be happy because of how long we had been waiting. The fact that it was not frustrated me in ways only my heart can really understand. Rather than reaching out and seeking help, I stopped talking to people all together. Knowing I was struggling, Tim stopped inviting people over for Sunday dinner. While he continued to live life as normal as possible with a monster of a wife, I tried to hide and silently deal with it. I wasn't really trying to run from the problem. I was just trying to figure myself out. The more I tried, the angrier I got. I can't tell you how many sleepless and tearful nights I spent wondering what was wrong with me. Nights passed quickly. Days slipped by. I hated work. Mostly because I knew I would have to talk to people. I hated snapping at Tim. He didn't do anything but help me every single day. I hated my blog. I just really didn't like myself or my situation.

As stated in my previous post, I believe anyone can and should change something in their life if something is awry. I honestly tried. I battled myself. I tried to fake it but failed the moment someone tried to talk to me. I tried to smile. I haven't really smiled since July, and I am normally known for my smile. People at work began to stay away from me. People stopped reading my blog. People called my mom to ask if I was depressed. All the while, I remained completely silent to everyone except a select few who although they did not know what to say, let me be...well, me. Whoever that was. I am grateful to those people.

I think the hardest thing about this whole situation is that I thought it would be different. When I was pregnant with Mya, I was so in shock and sick that I didn't really enjoy anything until 3rd trimester. I expected to grin and bear it with the next pregnancy since it is what I desired for so long. There are 16 pregnant sisters in our congregation. Each of them bubbles over with joy as they announce how far along they are or what they are happening and all the while, I am painfully aware how awkward I feel. I am happy for them. I am happy for myself. I know that deep down in my heart this pregnancy is teaching me a lesson about God, his love and myself.

Tonight, I felt peace. I smiled in the quiet of my own room. I felt love for a baby that for so long I have tried to enjoy. I didn't feel anxiety. I didn't feel sad. We just told Tim's side of the family today, and I feel so incredibly happy to have them as my family. They are completely supportive. My immediate family has also been a huge help to me over the past weeks. I can't tell you how many times my mom, dad, sister or brother have called in my weakest moments. And they let me be honest. And they were honest back.

My doctor said some people experience pre-postpartum. She and I have talked extensively over the past weeks and she has helped me understand that this phase will pass. And I believe it is passing. I am really happy that God has trusted me to be a mother again. We will not be finding out what the baby is for a little while. I scheduled the ultrasound out several weeks because 1) I am not in a hurry and 2) I wanted to make sure that I was me again before finding out. Everything about this pregnancy has been different. Minus the sleepless nights. They are just sleepless for another reason.

Life throws us situations to mold and shape us. This is molding me in a way that I would not recommend to others. I am not a person that normally feels the need to explain myself; however, I feel my silence has hurt some of my friends. To you, you know who you are, I am sorry. I am not writing this entry as an excuse or a reason to really justify my behavior, rather, I am writing it to finally release what I have kept locked inside.

So here's to pregnancy. I am glad I have more time to refine who I am before this baby is due.