change.

To me...hair is an accessory. I love to change it. However, I have been boring in recent years and have left it blond for over three years. The last time I tried to change the color...it lasted about a month and then I wanted the blond back. So I went back. So why did I change it now? No real reason. I just wanted to make a change.

I feel like life is changing rapidly now. No, the new baby has not arrived. No, Mya has not started to potty train. No, I have not quit my job. No, the house hasn't been totally prepped for the baby. So what has really changed--I can't quite put my finger on it. I guess my feelings have changed.

I lie awake at night thinking about how life is right now. Although I feel like I have complained about Mya's naughty two year old phase, I have grown fond of how things are and how the three of us deal with things. I love being the "three" of us. This is not to say that I will not love adding a new member to our family...I am just nervous to lose what we have. I look at Mya sometimes and think, "I haven't even really been around for you during the last two years...how am I going to be around for another one?" And "Have I given you enough attention that you will still know that I love you even though I will have to focus on someone else for several hours a day?" Or "I barely know how to be a mom to one child. How am I going to have another one?" (I am not writing these thoughts to seek comments about my parenting. I am just writing them so you know how I have been feeling and why I have been lying awake at 3 a.m.)

I have found myself holding Mya more even though I am totally uncomfortable. I also find myself putting things down or switching rooms so that I can spend some time with her. She really doesn't require that much attention. If you give her a little, she will run on her own for hours.

This weekend has been difficult for the three of us. We have all been under the weather for one reason or another. Mya began throwing up on Friday afternoon and has thrown up consistently throughout the weekend. In the beginning, I just thought her body didn't like the pears she ate for lunch on Friday. But when she still hasn't been able to hold things down, seeing her weak little body makes me sad. Tim hasn't really been sick, but he has a terrible gag reflex and has thrown up a few times while cleaning up her mess. I was doing okay until she threw up in my hair. That sent me straight to the bathroom. Basically, our weekend has been a total mess. However, Mya held down the food and liquid I gave her tonight so we will just see how she is tomorrow.

Not to give you too much information, but this morning Mya did something so sweet. You will all probably think it is disgusting, but it's my life. I feel like I am in my first trimester again. I am constantly nauseated and live with pounding headaches. The combination alone makes me weak and fragile. After Mya threw up this morning and all had been cleaned up, I could still smell lingering aftermath. (This may be the too much information part: forgive me.) Mya and I were cuddled in a blanket watching Sleeping Beauty while Tim went to church. The smell permeated everything around me and I felt so sick. I left Mya on the couch and told her to stay still until I got back, but since when does my child listen to me? I headed to the bathroom when I heard little footsteps. Embarrassed about being the sick one, I tried to keep Mya out of the bathroom. She wouldn't stay away. She walked right up to me and said, "You okay Mommy?" She put her hand on my cheek and stayed by my side. I told her I would be fine and asked her to go back to the living room, but she stayed with me. I tried to get up and splash cold water on my face and Mya said, "Mommy, I so sorry you sick." She clung to my leg as we both made our way back to the couch.

I love my child. I don't really know how else to put it. Sure, she isn't perfect. But she is perfect for me. She has this way of being so sweet and loving that it almost cracks my hardest inner shell. I love to run my fingers through her curls, and today...she was running her fingers through my hair. She always tells me, "You so pretty mommy." She also always tells me how special she is. Knowing that she knows how special she really is makes me feel like I must be doing something right.

So change will come. It will be hard. I know it will. But I will adapt. I will do what is best for my family and always make sure my kids know how truly special they are.