Perspective

A few more pictures from the hospital

I managed to give Genevieve her first bath all by myself this time and get a picture of it.

Tim took these pictures of Vie today. She had a rough day so she wasn't overly cooperative, but we did catch a few good ones.

So we've been home for a few days now, and we are starting to adjust to two kids. Today, we ran to Target to buy more newborn diapers, and I decided that I would not attempt going to any clothing store alone. Mya was an absolute terror as she weaved in and out of the clothes. I really thought I lost her at one point because my still weak body could not keep up with her energetic two-year old body. So nope...not doing that alone for a really long time. I will wait until Tim can go with me.

Although I have wanted to post all the thoughts I have had over the past few days, I am glad I have avoided the computer. I have been soaking up my now precious time home alone with this sweet new baby. And honestly, when she sleeps, I sleep. I am taking my time and enjoying every second of being home with Genevieve and Mya. However, Tim is holding Genevieve and Mya is finally in bed for the night, and I have a few minutes to jot down some things I don't want to forget.

I should start by saying this experience has been completely different than the experience I had with Mya. Looking at things in retrospect, I must have had postpartum depression right after Mya's delivery. While I never admitted everything I was feeling to anyone, I really suffered from anxiety and depression. I loved Mya from the beginning. She was this new creature that began teaching me the day she came into my life, but now looking at the first few weeks with her, I had a really hard time feeling attached to her. I think it was in part because I am a total perfectionist and knowing I was not a great mom right from the beginning was really hard for me. I couldn't stand that I didn't know how to calm Mya down when she cried. Or that I didn't know what to do with her after being alone with her for an hour or so. Or how to help her breastfeed after four weeks of life. Etc. It was a difficult time in my life. I felt exposed to the hard truth that sometimes things just don't come naturally.

This time around...I prayed really hard to have a different experience. And someone heard my prayers. Perhaps Genevieve heard them before coming on Tuesday, but I really feel blessed. It hasn't been hard to feed her. It hasn't been hard to help her calm down. She isn't a screamer yet, so her cries don't make me cringe. And I feel totally in love with this little person who barely has enough strength to open her eyes for longer than five minutes.

This experience has also been different because I find myself loving and appreciating Mya in ways I never knew I did. I made Tim post that picture of Mya before Genevieve came because I was so overwhelmed with feelings of love and gratitude for her that I was crying in the hospital room. Mya has taught me so much in her almost 2 and 1/2 years of life. I missed her so much when I didn't see her in the hospital; I was so excited to see her and introduce her to her new sister. Mya loves Genevieve. She hugs and kisses her all the time. Today she sat in front of Genevieve's swing and talked to her. She laughed as if they were having a really important conversation. It makes me excited for their future. Although she loves her, there have been painful moments. Mya has anxiety about going anywhere without both me and Tim. She also does not want to go to her daycare. And she loves her daycare. And she gets really frustrated when I am feeding Genevieve and can't hold her. She was mad at me today and tried to hit me with a bottle but accidentally hit Vie in the head. It took us a little while to calm both girls down. I know there are more of these moments to come, but so far it was the first really hard minute with the two of them.

I love both my girls. I joked my entire pregnancy that this might be our last because #1 pregnancy is not fun, #2 I was afraid of post-delivery and #3 I was afraid I would have all stubborn children, but seeing Vie's little angel face at 3am or watching Mya hug her when she wakes up makes me want more children sometime in the future. Not right now, but sometime.