this is who i am

disclaimer: i am not sad or depressed or delusional or anything of the sort. sometimes when i write exactly how i feel in the moment, people tend to think that there is something wrong with me. 98% of the time this is absolutely untrue. sometimes...i have to say it exactly as it is.

i have recently been very introspective as i think about my current life and the life i am about to experience. i haven't felt very good about my physical self recently. i look in the mirror and see something completely different than others see. most people say, "you look good for just having a baby," but i feel like all i see are the 8 extra pounds i haven't been able to lose yet. i see awkward looking shirts and feel my pants a little too tight around my hips. i am just not comfortable in my body at the moment. that being said, i know i will lose the 8 pounds when i am not so busy or so sick to go to the gym or go on a walk. i have been sick for nearly two weeks and the idea of going to the gym exhausts my body and makes my nose run. awesome. so i am frustrated with my current state of being, but see light at the end of the tunnel.

aside from my annoying body issues, i have been rather irritable lately. i have been nagging tim a little more than either of us would like. would you do this? why aren't you helping me with this? can you get the crying baby? will you please take care of mya? blah, blah. i hate nagging him. i irritate myself but can't seem to stop the words from leaving my mouth. and if i can stop the words, i just sit and shake my head at him with silent frustration. this is usually worse punishment. yuck. i think i am tired. i have been up late packing boxes every night so my schedule is a little off. i think i need the happy endorphins that i missing from not visiting the gym. but i need to be better with him because quite frankly, tim is the best husband and father. he doesn't ever need to be asked twice to do something. he just does things.

aside from those two issues, there are good things happening in my life. i have been successful with my goal of packing 3-5 boxes a night. i figure this will help so i don't have a ton to do at the end. i believe i have dejunked my stuff as best i could. some lucky person is loving my second-hand stuff. also, i am checking things off my "to do" list before leaving utah. i am not a list person but feel the need to have a list to keep things relatively organized. i have also prepared dinner for all but one of the nights this week. and i love my kids. v is smiling more now and i adore her smile. mya is a little obsessed with blood and death which concerns me on some levels but mostly makes me laugh at the moment. she has crazy ideas about deadly bugs and birds. sadly, i think she gets her ideas from me since i hate bugs and birds. i had to call tim and ask him to come home early from work last week to get a bee out of the house. mya was upstairs sleeping and i just locked myself in the office where the bee couldn't enter. ridiculous--i know.

when i think about the changes that will occur as soon as we step foot on different soil, i feel a little anxious. and not in a good way. my current world is going to turn upside down. no more working. no more two cars. no more two story house. no more friends who live literally two doors down. no more amazing babysitter i can always count on. no more temple up the road. no more provo bakery. i am a little nervous. happy for the change but also sad about the change. it will take time to adjust to full-time motherhood. i know this sounds bad, but i don't know if i am cut out for full-time motherhood. i admire and look up to the women who naturally assume the role of mother as soon as it is laid upon them. i thought i would be one of them. i have always adapted well to change. but this is different. i really feel like i am a better mom when i am with my kids part-time and when i work part-time. i feel like i have more patience with the girls and more ideas of things to do to keep busy. when i am home all day, i run out of ideas and get frustrated during mya's second tantrum. so i feel nervous for the upcoming change. but i am sure it will be okay. i have been receiving amazing tips from moms who do stay home all day.

this is who i am right now. it will probably change tomorrow.