remembering

In all the "How to write a book" guides I have read, one of the #1 things the authors shout through the black and white is to avoid rambling at all costs. I completely agree with them. However, tonight I feel I might ramble a bit and ask you to forgive me.

Before everything happened on Monday, I had been thinking about God a lot--about who he is and the role he plays in our lives. I am the first to admit that I have felt his hand in my life in a lot of situations; however, it had been a long while since I had felt his presence in any way in my life. I guess with the natural hum drum of life--all the diaper changes, potty breaks, dishes to clean, dirty mouths to wipe, food to prepare, hair to trim, rooms to be tidied, books to be read, paths to be run--I stopped feeling him as often as I had before. I would pray and not receive any real direction. I would stop and be still and find myself feeling alone and distant. It was a strange feeling.

To add to it all, I had two very frank conversations with two people that I absolutely love and admire who basically told me I was a fool to believe what I did. It shook me at my very core. Why? I don't really know. I had plenty of people on my mission tell me I was crazy for what I was teaching. It didn't affect me the way these conversations did. These conversations left me speechless, and I am hardly ever speechless. They left me lying awake at night pondering life and its meaning. And so I began to doubt. I hadn't felt anything in a long time and just began to wonder if what I was doing was right.

Someone very close to me advised me that sometimes in life, the trial is just holding on. I thought about the imagery behind those words: holding on. So I held on to what I had felt in the past. I thought back to all the little miracles I had witnessed and knew science could not explain. And I came to this conclusion just last week, just days before we found out we had lost the baby-- yes, I believe science can explain how the earth was created and how animals and people were formed, but why couldn't there be a loving God helping science along? I believe there was someone at the beginning of it all who knew how to make this earth and everything on it and I believe he was the greatest scientist of them all.

Fast forward a few days when I was lying alone at the hospital. No one would talk to me or tell me what was going on. Nurses and lab technicians just kept coming in drawing blood, taking vitals, wheeling me to this room and to that room and while I was surrounded by people, I felt totally alone. Tim was outside with the girls so I had a lot of time to think...and to feel. I sat there on my bed and closed my eyes and just silently told God that I would accept the outcome but that I needed to feel him. And within minutes, I didn't feel alone. The all powerful scientist was again acting as he had so often in the past--as a loving heavenly father.

I have felt him so often this week as I have tried to be still. So my point in writing this little rambling piece is to say that sometimes in our hardest and weakest moments, we will feel a familiar presence--a love that has no real description. There will be moments where daily life and its monotonous routine may make his presence fade; however, in those moments we should remember to hold on. He is there. Sometimes we just need to be quiet enough to feel him.

For those of you who are concerned about my health, I will let you know that I am going in for a D&C tomorrow morning. I should recover physically within a couple of days. My emotions may take a little longer to mend, but they will mend. I am sorry if we had not told you about the pregnancy before you read the blog. We hadn't really told anyone but our parents and few people around here who were helping me when I was experiencing morning sickness. In fact, we were going to announce it on the blog this weekend after we heard the heartbeat and knew all was well with the baby. We just never made it to that step. I wrote about my experience because the thought of calling everyone overwhelmed me and I thought it would be easier to write it where people could read and help me in their own way. And people have helped. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. While the pregnancy was not planned and seemed like a crazy thing to do, it really was something to me. And so this experience has been extremely hard on me. It may surprise you to find that it has been difficult for Tim too. We were really excited. So I appreciate every comment, every silent prayer and every little thought passed our way. Please pray for me tomorrow. Although it is a routine procedure, I am still nervous.