In all the "How to write a book" guides I have read, one of the #1 things the authors shout through the black and white is to avoid rambling at all costs. I completely agree with them. However, tonight I feel I might ramble a bit and ask you to forgive me.

Before everything happened on Monday, I had been thinking about God a lot--about who he is and the role he plays in our lives. I am the first to admit that I have felt his hand in my life in a lot of situations; however, it had been a long while since I had felt his presence in any way in my life. I guess with the natural hum drum of life--all the diaper changes, potty breaks, dishes to clean, dirty mouths to wipe, food to prepare, hair to trim, rooms to be tidied, books to be read, paths to be run--I stopped feeling him as often as I had before. I would pray and not receive any real direction. I would stop and be still and find myself feeling alone and distant. It was a strange feeling.

To add to it all, I had two very frank conversations with two people that I absolutely love and admire who basically told me I was a fool to believe what I did. It shook me at my very core. Why? I don't really know. I had plenty of people on my mission tell me I was crazy for what I was teaching. It didn't affect me the way these conversations did. These conversations left me speechless, and I am hardly ever speechless. They left me lying awake at night pondering life and its meaning. And so I began to doubt. I hadn't felt anything in a long time and just began to wonder if what I was doing was right.

Someone very close to me advised me that sometimes in life, the trial is just holding on. I thought about the imagery behind those words: holding on. So I held on to what I had felt in the past. I thought back to all the little miracles I had witnessed and knew science could not explain. And I came to this conclusion just last week, just days before we found out we had lost the baby-- yes, I believe science can explain how the earth was created and how animals and people were formed, but why couldn't there be a loving God helping science along? I believe there was someone at the beginning of it all who knew how to make this earth and everything on it and I believe he was the greatest scientist of them all.

Fast forward a few days when I was lying alone at the hospital. No one would talk to me or tell me what was going on. Nurses and lab technicians just kept coming in drawing blood, taking vitals, wheeling me to this room and to that room and while I was surrounded by people, I felt totally alone. Tim was outside with the girls so I had a lot of time to think...and to feel. I sat there on my bed and closed my eyes and just silently told God that I would accept the outcome but that I needed to feel him. And within minutes, I didn't feel alone. The all powerful scientist was again acting as he had so often in the past--as a loving heavenly father.

I have felt him so often this week as I have tried to be still. So my point in writing this little rambling piece is to say that sometimes in our hardest and weakest moments, we will feel a familiar presence--a love that has no real description. There will be moments where daily life and its monotonous routine may make his presence fade; however, in those moments we should remember to hold on. He is there. Sometimes we just need to be quiet enough to feel him.

For those of you who are concerned about my health, I will let you know that I am going in for a D&C tomorrow morning. I should recover physically within a couple of days. My emotions may take a little longer to mend, but they will mend. I am sorry if we had not told you about the pregnancy before you read the blog. We hadn't really told anyone but our parents and few people around here who were helping me when I was experiencing morning sickness. In fact, we were going to announce it on the blog this weekend after we heard the heartbeat and knew all was well with the baby. We just never made it to that step. I wrote about my experience because the thought of calling everyone overwhelmed me and I thought it would be easier to write it where people could read and help me in their own way. And people have helped. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. While the pregnancy was not planned and seemed like a crazy thing to do, it really was something to me. And so this experience has been extremely hard on me. It may surprise you to find that it has been difficult for Tim too. We were really excited. So I appreciate every comment, every silent prayer and every little thought passed our way. Please pray for me tomorrow. Although it is a routine procedure, I am still nervous.


  1. Miss Janine Suzanne,
    I love you. I do. I love you and your entire family. I always have. I feel sorrow as I read your words. I feel deep empathy as I consider your emotion. I am available for you in any manner or capacity that you require. If you need a laugh-I have silly jokes to impart. If you need fashion chatter-lets discuss the must haves for fall. If you require a listening ear, I'm available. And always, always-I'm your friend.

    Much Love,


  2. Janine, I know we never really knew each other in the mission field. Honestly, I'm not sure if we ever actually exchanged words with one another. I did know Tim fairly well, we served together a couple different areas. I'm sure he found himself irritated with me a time or two for coming in late, but he is someone who always had and has my respect. I've tried to keep up at least in some small way with those people that served from our mission while we were there. I kind of view them as extended family, whether I knew them or not. Anyway, as a result I've dropped by your blog periodically. I want you to know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers from time to time and are now. I have found myself quite surprised on ocassion to see what we have in common and I also want you to know that more than once you have inspired me to be and do better. My husband and I have often talked about how difficult it can be to keep faith fresh and vibrant in the day to day grind. You are not alone in that endeavor.

  3. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I hope you are feeling better soon!

  4. I personally think rambling blogs are the best. And this one makes me wonder why we didn't talk more when you lived out here. I am so very sorry to hear about this miscarriage.i've never gone through it myself,I just know how I felt when those close to me went through it. Just know that those around you ache for you and would do just about anything to help ease it.


"Be kind and considerate with your criticism... It's just as hard to write a bad book as it is to write a good book." Malcolm Cowley