Series blogger: Janine

The truth is I’ve never felt completely comfortable in my own skin. I fear it may take a lifetime to do that. Loving myself whether in reference to accepting my body or feeling content with my personality has been my personal battle. I have flaws. I have rough edges. There—I put it out there. Some flaws are more noticeable than others, but I have them, and they often hinder me from truly feeling peace.

Growing up an athlete made me acutely aware of my body. I knew what it was and what it wasn’t. I was extremely hard on myself. I wanted to be perfect even though I don’t think I really understood what perfection meant. In high school I wore provocative clothes to highlight my best features. I figured if people focused on the beautiful things perhaps they would overlook the blemishes. Reflecting back, I often question how well this plan worked. I thought it did back then.

I attended a college that dramatically altered my dressing style. Although it ultimately modified my wardrobe in a good way, it left me feeling uneasy about my body. I no longer had a plan. Not having a plan made me feel anxious. It still does. My anxiety propelled me into a downward spiral. I became a closet bulimic except I never binged, I only purged. My bout with bulimia lasted for several years. They are some of the saddest years of my life because I paid a large price for not taking care of myself. I lost friends. I lost confidence. I lost me.

Five years ago, I was forced to change. I began to battle the demons in my head. It was a vicious war, but over time, I started to gain some ground. Hope was on my side. Hope gave me the desire to change. Changing and overcoming demons has really helped me feel comfortable in my own skin. Although I am still very attentive to my physical foibles when I look in the mirror, I also see beauty.

While accepting my body has probably been my largest battle, my personality has often been a source of great conflict. The younger me would've said that to feel comfortable in your own skin meant that you had to be liked by everyone. The grown-up me disagrees completely. When we constantly think about pleasing others or being accepted by them, we often forget to take care of ourselves. We hide who we really are to the benefit of others but to our own handicap. Over time this handicap extinguishes our ability to truly grow and become. Life is about growth. It's about change. Change is power. Every change we make for good makes us stronger. That strength then drives us forward.

As a woman, a wife and a mother I need the strength and power that comes from being comfortable in my own skin. I no longer feel the pressure to be someone I am not. I am me. I’m okay with that. Yes, I want to be better than I currently am, but I have learned to be patient with the current me. Patience gives me peace. After twenty eight years, I have learned this one great lesson: life has a way of polishing our rough edges.

 That's me. This is my blog. I don't really know what else to say about me that hasn't already been said. I love my current job as a wife and a mother. My family is the driving force behind all that I do.