relationship topic # 2: communication

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It took twenty-two years and one rather aggressive shove into a concrete wall to realize the silent treatment may not be the best way to communicate in relationships. It took less than 30 seconds after my head was buzzing from the bang against the wall to understand saying "I'm sorry" is a much better plan.

There I was frustrated, confused, lonely and now sore from a newly-forming bruise on the back of my head in a foreign country trying to communicate to a person who didn't speak my language. While I was more advanced in the Spanish language than she was in English, I still had no idea how to express how I was feeling to this person I hardly knew. So I remained absolutely silent. Not a peep popped out of my mouth for over a day and a half, and I guess she had had just about enough of it. I remember she tried to start conversations with me. I quickly rejected her attempts. And so she did what I think everyone wishes to do when receiving the silent treatment--she threw me against a wall and told me to "get over it...whatever it was."

And within seconds, I did. It was pure magic.

Not to reveal all the dirty secrets of my childhood and adolescent years, but I grew up in a home where the silent treatment was the most common form of punishment. My parents gave it to us when they disapproved of our decisions. My siblings and I often exchanged scowls but not words as we passed each other in the hallway. Looking back at it all now is really quite laughable because we've all changed so much, but back then...no one knew how to communicate. And "I'm sorry" was rarely uttered when it unequivocally should've been said.

There were days when you could hear a pin drop because of the silence.

I vowed that day in Argentina that I would never let myself be silent for that long again. After talking to that same wonderful person who literally knocked some sense into me, I decided to give myself a time limit. I made the limit 20 minutes (give or take a few depending on my anger level). I have tried to remain true to my limit although I'll admit there have been a few longer periods. Sometimes a girl just has to collect herself.

Communication in any relationship can either make or break it. Too often, it breaks it. I've lost several good friends because of a lack of communication or miscommunication. On the flip side, some of the most fulfilling relationships I have are with people I can talk openly and freely with because they are patient with my communication flaws.

I don't want to only focus on the marriage relationship because I believe communication is key in any relationship, but boy has Tim ever taught me about communication in the past five years. So I will give you some tips I have picked up from our relationship and ones I have gathered throughout my life in hopes that it will help you reevaluate where you are and where you want to be.

**Talk less, listen more: A very wise man gave me this pearl of wisdom. I am still terrible at it when it comes to my relationship with Tim, but I do try to remember it when in conversations with friends because it allows them time to talk without being interrupted. No one likes to be interrupted.

**Learn to say sorry first: Why do we always think the other person needs to say it first? I will never understand that. I have realized in all my twenty-eight years that saying "sorry" isn't like playing tag--you're it. Just say it even if you are right. Being right isn't always the important thing.

**Go to bed even if you feel you must fight it out: I really dislike that marriage advice always passed to new brides...you know the one..."Don't ever go to bed angry." I say that's hogwash. Sometimes a good night's rest and clear mind is all you need to get back on track. Why fight while your angry and tired. Nothing good has ever come from being tired.

**Give yourself a time limit if you prefer the silent treatment: Are you like me? I'm sorry if you are. The silent treatment sucks. There isn't a pretty or eloquent way of saying it. Give yourself a time limit and tell the other person you just need some time to think. Try to go into a different room or push your phone away from you so you don't have to watch what they're tweeting and just think about things alone. You'll be amazed how good it feels to get over things faster.

**Don't use manipulative phrases when trying to explain why you feel the way you feel: You know those really manipulative phrases we use to try and paint a picture that we are right and the other person is well wrong and left too much collateral damage? Well, don't use those awful phrases. Be kind, but say what is on your mind the way it should be said. Try to use an even tone (sometimes this is hard for me since I am already loud as is), and sit while talking. I feel like standing provokes yelling. But maybe that's just me.  

**Write down in a planner when you talked to someone on the phone: This is a recent thing I've learned to do to keep in touch with friends. I don't live by a single one of my best friends. And because I don't, I forget when I called or texted them last, so I keep a log in my planner. It's a good reminder.  

**Take notes about solutions that work and don't work: If you blog or journal, this shouldn't be too hard for you. Write down good and bad solutions so you can go back and remind yourself how to make things better.  

**Seek professional help if you are really stuck in this area: I'm not a professional. Duh. So if you need more help, get some. There's no shame in that. I bet the people you talk to will be happy you did. I do like this article though if you don't have a pretty penny to find a counselor.

What things have/have not worked in your life? How did you learn the technique? If you missed relationship topic #1, see here.