relationship topic #1: intimacy in romantic relationships

Shhhh...this might surprise you...I'm not a virgin. Okay, it's not really new news since I have two peanuts and all, but sometimes this fact still surprises my 28 year old self. (As a disclaimer to my readers, I want you to know that I recognize this topic is taboo, especially in many religious communities. If just reading the word "sex" makes you uncomfortable, stop reading now. I will address other more pleasing topics throughout the next month so be sure to stick with me.)

Today I'm tackling the topic of intimacy in romantic relationships in the only way I know how--I will be straight, honest and clean. I'm talking about this topic first to get it out of the way; it's an awkward subject for most people. Don't worry mom and dad, I promise not to write anything that will embarrass you; however, I want do want to begin a discussion that will hopefully evoke helpful feedback for all couples.

If you know me or Tim at all, you know we joke about sex a lot. I'd like to blame the bad habit on our best friends but am not sure if that theory still rings true since we haven't lived near them in over two years. We joke about the normal things: funny lingerie we see in major department stores and interesting objects sold in gas station bathrooms and overdone love scenes portrayed in movies or in tv shows. But though we playfully joke, I am a firm believer that intimacy is a very personal and divine act and should be treated as such.

Before I got married I thought I knew my fair share about sex. I did not grow up in a home where the word "sex" was ever shielded from family conversation. In fact, it was a semi-regular topic of conversation in my grown-up years. I think my mom felt it was important for us to know the straight facts so we didn't get ourselves into trouble. Whether or not my siblings and I heeded her cautions is up for debate. Well, thanks to my mom's words and discussions I had had with my friends prior to my wedding, I felt prepared for intimacy.

However, I quickly realized how unprepared I was. I will let you in on a little secret: Intimacy is different for every couple. What might work for one couple might fail for another. BUT (and this is the most important part) you should never stop trying to make your partner feel happy and comfortable. Tim and I learned this secret on our honeymoon and throughout our first year of marriage as we discussed what we thought sex would be like and what it actually was. Yes you read that correctly, we talked and still talk about the ups and downs of sex. Our intimate life has changed as we have changed. Yours will too. I hope you talk about it with that special someone.

Do we have any special advice for you? Not really. We are not experts. But we do love each other a lot and try in every way to make each other happy. But since I know you are secretly hoping I will have some pearls of wisdom, here you go (take it or leave it):

--Our good friends once told us, "Men are like microwaves, women are like ovens." I'll let you figure out the meaning behind this one.
--Intimacy does not always equal sex. Sometimes we are perfectly satisfied cuddling at night as we enjoy pillow talk.
--Another friend really opened my whole world when she told me to stop thinking about other things during sex. I think this tip is more for women because Tim can't understand why I'd be thinking about the dishes or my messy house during an intimate moment.
--If you are really struggling in this area, you should probably talk about it more openly with your spouse. You may even need to purchase some literature. Don't be ashamed. There's an entire section devoted to the subject in your local Barnes and Nobles. And yes, I know that.
--You should talk about frequency. Sometimes males and females are on two different playing fields when it comes to how many times a week/month/year (hopefully not year) people should have sex. The number will change with different periods of life so you should revisit this one every once in awhile.
--Say thank you or show appreciation for intimate moments shared. Sometimes I will text or email Tim midday and say "thanks for last night" or "i needed that hug this morning" or i loved that kiss on my cheek." He does the same. The more we do that, the more we feel inclined to do it again. So be grateful.

Did I say too much? Are you blushing? Mom, I'm pretty certain you are. Sorry about that. I tried to tread lightly as I wrote about this topic.

Now...talk to me. Do you agree? Disagree? What did I miss? If you want to read more about this topic, please visit the very knowledgeable author Alisa Bowman at Project Happily Ever After.