boredom

You may think that I am experiencing momentary boredom because of my current situation: recent move, new city, no nearby friends, no real adult outlet, blah...blah. And perhaps that is true. But looking back in my text conversations with one of my best friends, the dates would defy your theory. I am bored. I'm not exactly sure the catalyst of the problem, but I am desperately trying to find its root and its solution.

Feeling blah with my outward appearance and these extra 25+ pounds I am packing around with me these days, I tried to remedy the problem by adding blonde highlights to my hair. While I love them, I think I'd love them more if I actually got ready more than once a week. I blame the heat for my lack of motivation in that department. I think I'll head to Sephora this weekend just to be made up and perhaps get a few extra glances from Tim.

And speaking of Tim, the poor guy can't catch a break when it comes to me. My neutral and unenthusiastic attitude about life must be irritating to say the least. He is trying so hard to boost my spirits by tending to most of my needs, but my brain and my body are having a hard time responding to his kindness. All he wants/needs is a hug (I'm sure he'd love more but is settling for any sort of physical contact), and I have a hard time mustering the energy to oblige his little requests.

Tim and I are approaching our five year wedding anniversary, and I'll admit that I am feeling a bit flat with our relationship. The fault is 100% our own since we hardly date and if we do, we normally drag our peanuts along because we don't have money to pay for a sitter. You try being sexy and romantic when your 16-month old is smearing ketchup on one of your only nice maternity shirts. It doesn't work all that well. I have heard that it is common for many couple to feel bored around the five year mark. Most of my friends have experienced some type of boredom from time to time. The trick is to avoid a deep rut and reignite the spark again.

That's the spot I am in at the current moment; I am clawing my fingers on any sort of solid ground so I don't fall into a rut. Tim and I talked about our feelings the other night as we laid in bed. Thankfully, we are both feeling the pressure to make things better. I would've felt awful if it was just me. We've already begun to do out-of-the-ordinary things for each other again and it feels so good. Tim is also trying to help me cure the boredom I feel in the other areas of my life.

He knows I need a friend and is quickly trying to make friends so that I might find a suitable friend from one of the couples he meets. He really is the best. He knows how awkward I am when it comes to making friends so he is usually the person that bridges the weird gap between me and others. He also knows I need alone time. I haven't been alone more than a handful of times since we moved here. I am almost always blessed to have one of my kids with me, even when making a quick trip to the grocery store. I can't tell you how many days I wish I could trade day jobs with Tim just to be alone or at least around adults. While I adore my children, I think my people skills are really weakening since all I do is play with blocks and baby dolls. I believe a night out by myself is in the works, and I am thrilled about it. Unlike most people, I love eating and seeing movies alone. It soothes my soul.

So there you have it--me in a nutshell. A very tiny and claustrophobic nutshell. I need to break free. I guess the real point of this rambling is that I am at a critical point in my life right now. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder, "Who are you these days? Who do you want to be? How can you change? When are you ever going to start?" And while I feel bored with my current state, I do feel the answers coming slowly.