thoughts on three

Only recently have I begun to contemplate my future reality--three kids under the age of four. It is a reality that strikes fear into every one of my bones because quite honestly, I don't think I am even great at two yet. On the whole I feel I am successful at this whole motherhood thing about 60% of the week. Don't get me started on the other 40%.
 
At the close of this really long and not so good day, I have tears in my eyes wondering when motherhood will click in completely so I can make up what I lack during the 40%. One would think I'd have a handle on the whole thing since I have these two crazy peanuts running around my house all day, but that is not the truth. I struggle in the silent moments just like every other normal person.

I try and walk everyday and on my walks I talk with God. I hash out all the good, the bad and the in between. I ask him how to reason with Mya when she rides her emotional roller coaster. I solicit patience not to yell at her when she dumps bowls of water all over the floor every single day even though I have kindly and not so kindly asked her to stop. I ask him to help me increase in love/charity when she whines about boo-boos and Genevieve all day long. I beg him to give me strength to carry V every where I go because she refuses to walk alone. I plead with him to impart pearls of wisdom on how I might teach them all that they need to know.

So far the answers have come slow, but they have come. I usually come home from my walks resolved to bend my growing body down to Mya's level when she needs correction or a serious chat. I have also been reminded to talk to the peanuts much like He talks with me: quiet but firm. (This is one area where I still need improvement.) And although I don't always acknowledge the strength given to me in the moment, somehow I make it through everyday. My back may ache and my head might throb, but I manage to love my girls until the end of every single day.

I guess that love is what is going to help me survive my future. I distinctly remember the feelings I had right before delivering V. In between contractions, I cried feeling much like I do now wondering how I would ever manage two kids. Because I worked full-time from the day Mya was born, I never totally assumed the role as mom. I felt a strain in our relationship and the idea of adding another peanut to our family scared me to death.

However, having V grounded me. People warned me how difficult two would be and from my notes above you can see that it hasn't always been a walk in the park, but having two really opened my heart to motherhood. I don't really know how to describe it, but somehow I managed to find more love for Mya while discovering a new love for our tiny V. I am sure having three will be very similar. So while I am scared and unsure of how I will manage the spirits entrusted to me, I am assured that Someone else is on my team--Someone much better at parenting than I.