fast balls.

life is not just throwing us curve balls, it is throwing 100 mph fast balls at us directly where it hurts. and it's hurting a lot right now.  even now as i write, i write with an unsettling uncertainty that makes it hard to breathe. i may seem exaggerated or foolish, but i don't really care. i used to be spontaneous. i am not anymore. three kids will do that to you.

i am a planner, and as of late all of my best laid plans have gone to crap. the biggest stress on my mind is this damn move which is literally crippling me in so many ways. nothing about this move has been smooth. nothing. it makes me second guess why we are even doing it or if we even should. we just received a huge piece of bad news this week that has me tearing up in the quiet moments of the day. i wonder about 100 times a day: "how will we live?" or "how will we eat?" or "how do i pretend nothing is wrong for my girls?"

i am angry. i am sad. i feel alone. i know all my emotions and feelings are straining the only really great thing in my life: my marriage. we look at each other with uncertainty and concern. we want to talk but it seems talking just makes things worse so we just say only the necessary things. i know tim is doing all he can to solve the problems we are currently facing, but i also know that the solution is likely out of tim's hands and left in the hands of a global corporation who doesn't seem to care one bit about a small family in milwaukee.

i am trying to trust. i am trying to have faith. i have been praying, but i feel guilty and ashamed to ask for any extra help because i haven't really keeping up with my relationship with god. so i don't ask. i just talk and cry and feel so deeply confused that i don't really know what to do. a dear friend of mine recently told me, "i don't think god works like that. i don't think he willing withholds his love from his children just because they've been 'slacking' a bit." i want so much to believe her.

this is life at its very rawest point. i am completely vulnerable. only time can heal my bruised spirit. luckily, i have time. i just don't have a lot of patience so the healing process will probably be painful before relief can come.

i'm not allowing comments for this post. if you wish to contact me, please use email. i'll be back with great pictures of one of my best friends and her children who visited us this week in a day or two. she was a much needed distraction from the stress of my life. kara, you may never know how much you saved me this week. thanks;)