thirty.

I should be sleeping, but I'm not. Tim fell asleep twenty-three minutes ago. I know this because his breath becomes deeper and his leg stops twitching the moment he gives in to his exhaustion. The only noise I hear is the occasional gurgle from Blue sleeping in his crate, except I doubt he's sleeping since he can hear me. Although we are enemies 80% of the time, he is my guard dog. He waits for me, and I know he is waiting right now.

Today I am thirty. I remember being 25 and 22 and 18 and 15 and even 10. My memories become a little shadier and unsteady before ten. Thirty seemed so old to me at 10, 15, 18, 22 and 25. But it doesn't feel so old now that the day is finally approaching. 

Something about being thirty makes me want to be more womanly, more refined, more tranquil. I could use a little more tranquility and a lot less turbulence in my life. I have been experiencing some stormy days recently. A very dear friend gave me a small ceramic statue of a lighthouse seven years ago for my birthday. In his card to me he wrote, "Dear friend, You are a light to me. You always brighten every room. May your light always burn bright." His enthusiastic words nudge me onward even when my candle is waning and the light is growing dim, much as it is at the moment. 

Stubborn and unwilling to give in to darkness, I refuse to let my candle burn out completely. I will hang on, even if I am clawing at the wax with the very ends of my fingertips. I will survive. Turning thirty and understanding the role I play and will continue to play as a woman, a wife, a mother drives me to survive. I must be a beacon for these little candles burning below me. They have to have someone to look to when all the other lights go out. 

So thirty...here's my pledge: I will not burn out. As weak as I am, I feel the need to repeat it again: I will not burn out. I am going to thrive. I am going to become a better me. Life is bent on teaching me that I can do more than I think I can so I better just get used to it. I'll just give it right back to you life. Take that. 

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do as I enter this new decade of life. I've created a decent list. I'll call it Thirty for Thirty. Hope you enjoy. 1. Wear more skirts 2. Roll the windows down in my car more often on the freeway 3. Buy a better bra (maybe two or three...a decade is a long time for one bra) 4. Laugh more (My brother recently noted that I am not laughing as often as I used to. This is a tragedy in my book of life.) 5. Buy a kayak and develop a habit of kayaking (wherever permitted) twice a month 6. Eat more raw food and less meat 7. Write more handwritten letters 8. Print my journal writings into an actual book 9. Run three half marathons 10. Wear my sunglasses more often (I'm already getting wrinkles) 11. Be present with my kids 12. Become a more passionate lover 13. Yell less 14. Be less critical of myself 15. Say no when I don't want to do something (aka. be more assertive) 16. Buy more peonies 17. Learn to walk in high heels without wobbling 18. Paint a picture 19. Be kinder to my body 20. Talk to Tim quickly rather than stewing over dumb stuff 21. Sell something at a farmer's market 22. Learn to love Blue 23. Pray more frequently 24. Write inspiration down 25. Create three unique recipes 26. Change the way I do makeup 27. Meet someone I admire 28. Recognize my own limitations and be okay with them 29. Develop an ounce of patience (I'm currently lacking it on all levels) 30. Stay in touch with good friends. 

Basically, I want to learn to be true to myself in my thirties. I do so much for other people that when it comes to taking care of myself, I realize my candle is dimly lit. I cannot do that anymore. No it doesn't mean I won't be serving or helping others, it just means I need to serve and help myself first. I haven't loved myself in a long time. There are pieces of me that I love. I feel like I am really coming into my own in a few areas, but those areas are small. I love what Jennifer Aniston said about her thirties, "Thirties. Go to therapy. Clean up all of the s--t. Clean up all of the toxins and the noise. Understand who you are. Educate yourself on the self." 

And that's just what I plan to do. I will not burn out. 

{To read more about Jen, see here}