too many options

I once dated a really great guy who loved watermelon Bubblicious gum. He liked it so much that I would often buy him a pack and leave it on his windshield in the early morning on my way to school just because I knew it would make him happy. You do that for people you like, you know?

When we had been dating for several months, I started to feel uneasy about things. Not for any particular reason really, but the feeling grew and grew until it was all I focused on. I lost sleep and weight thinking about it. It was a really uncomfortable time. I made a list of all the good and bad that could come from dating this person, and nothing really stood out so I just kept plugging away at the relationship. I tried everything to get the feeling to leave but found myself tired, confused and sad a lot. 

The sadness and confusion persisted and finally got the better of me. On a cold fall night in late October, I decided to end a relationship I had loved for no apparent reason at all, except it just didn't feel right. I remember his face when I tried to explain myself. It was the saddest face. Few words were exchanged after I delivered the unexpected news, and he asked me to get out of his car. 

Although he was parked just outside my apartment complex, the walk from his car to my front door felt like the longest walk of my life. Every step hurt. I had hoped I would instantly feel better; I didn't. I went back and forth for weeks wondering if I made the right choice or if I should run back and beg for forgiveness. In the end, I didn't go back. 

This experience has on my mind a lot lately. Not because I'm nostalgic about the guy (although I do think about him from time to time and hope that he has found a slice of happiness), but because it parallels our current situation in so many ways.

Tim and I have been recently presented with a few different life options. At first, we were so excited about our prospective future, but then the details started rolling in. And they kept rolling in until we were over our head in details. I began to feel suffocated by all the options and nearly told Tim we should probably just throw in the towel when I remembered my old Bubblicious friend.

Some of the options we've been given seem so good, almost too good. However, at this moment, they do not feel right and while I can't pinpoint the reasons why they don't feel right, I can't shake the uneasy feelings I get when I think about everything. I started to feel really anxious about the whole thing a couple of weeks ago and decided to make the same list I made when I was dating Mr. Watermelon Gum. Although the topic was completely different, the results were same, and I knew it we had to put things on hold.

Tim and I haven't completely taken the options off the table. It would be silly to do so since we don't have enough information yet, but the options are teetering on a far edge out of view. It has been the most refreshing thing I've done in a long time.

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