thoughts on a friday night.

When I was a teenager, I couldn't fall asleep unless I wrote in my journal before bed. As hard as I would try to fall asleep, I couldn't because I couldn't escape the words and thoughts in my head. So I'd pull myself out of my small twin bed, tiptoe over an enormous pile of unused clothes, turn on my dim closet light, sit down in a corner of the closet and furiously write until my brain was exhausted. Someday I should share some of the "younger me" thoughts on this blog. Someday.

These days, it's harder to steal those few extra minutes at night. Tim and I have always gone to bed together so if I want to write at night, I have to wait until he falls into a deep sleep so as not to wake him as I sneak out of bed. Our bed is so squeaky, but considering how cheap it was to begin with, it is no surprise. I wouldn't be surprised if it just caved in the middle and made a taco out of Tim and me one day. Most days I fall asleep waiting for him to begin breathing deeply so all my thoughts are "stored" for a day, in theory. The problem with that theory, however, is my brain. It forgets things so rapidly that I am forced to wait until the thought returns. And generally those thoughts return when I'm out on a run and nowhere near a keyboard.

But tonight, here I am. It's 10:38 on a Friday, and I should be sleeping. But I'm going to muster all the "younger me" spirit still left in me and type away until my brain is exhausted. You should be warned that these thoughts come in no particular order, and they just might be the most boring thoughts you'd ever read, but hey, they're my thoughts.

1. I hate where I live. Not San Diego, but the gated community in which I live. I have complete disdain for it. I make it a point to look away from people now when I'm outside with my kids or with Blue; I used to say hello but no one ever really responded so I've given up. The HOA just posted a sign telling people not to let kids use sidewalk chalk because "Many people in the complex don't have kids and don't want to see your kids artwork." You can only imagine which finger I'd point at all those people. I feel like this was a direct blow to my girls. They are always outside drawing on the sidewalk in front of our door, and well, this just really makes my blood boil. 
2. On the similar note, I have been extra feisty lately. Like "fight, fight, fight" kind of feisty (thank you Kathleen Kelly for one of my favorite phrases). I'm so ornery that I even had a dream where in my dream I fought (verbally) with a girl, and my sleeping self was ashamed of the girl in my dreams. 
3. I've been pairing my leather jackets with my leggings a lot lately, and for some reason, it makes me feel tough and confident. I know it's strange to think that certain outfits can make you feel a specific way, but it's true. Tim once whispered to me that he thought I looked like a rockstar. I'm pretty sure he'd have me in leggings everyday. If he had his way, he'd probably toss 75% of my jeans and replace them with leggings. 
4. Today I ran an incredibly painful, awkward and clumsy 3.5 miles, but I finished. I hadn't run since Tuesday and my body just felt discombobulated. Running can be the best, but it can also be the worst, if you eat too many cookies and forget to exercise. Dang cookie exchanges. 
5. I've been thinking a lot about 2014 lately. I wonder what it will bring. Soon we will find out if we move or if we stay. If we move, where will go? If we stay, where will we go? Heaven knows I can't stay here a minute after our lease expires. Will we have another baby? Will we decide to wait longer? Will I run a half marathon? Will I find another excuse to get out of it? Will we be dirt poor? Will we finally begin to build a savings? So many questions. Only time will tell. 
6. In this season of parties and get-togethers, I am missing my dear friends so much. I can't tell you how much my heart aches to find the companionship I once experienced. I asked Tim last night if he thought I was sabotaging myself from making friends. He only said, "Well, I think you go to things with a bad attitude." He's mostly right, but do I get points for trying? 
7. We're doing away with Genevieve's binkie next week. I'm sorta sick about it, but it's time. Her binkie is to her as Mr. Bear is to Mya. Her binkie is her comfort. As soon as that round, green piece of plastic enters her mouth, she instantly begins twirling her hair or my hair. Every night she tells me, "When I wake up, I bring my binkie and I come cuddle wit you mama. And I twurl your hair too. K, mama?" And let me tell you something, I'm already dreading her 5:30 wake up calls sans binkie. It's going to be a nightmare. 
8. Everyday I walk past a picture of Tim and me on our wedding day. We look so young. So bright-eyed. So innocent. And everyday I silently shake my head and ask myself, who are those people? Are we still them? The verdict is still out. 
9. Tim and I are addicted to Felicity, and I'm not embarrassed to admit that. I'm glad I convinced him to watch it, but I'm even happier that he likes it just as much as I do. We both get a good laugh at least once a night. 
10. I've been thinking a lot about confidence lately, especially my confidence. I have decided that while it is important to be confident in oneself, it is also important to recognize one's limitations. From personal experience, I have learned that it isn't always the best for me to think I can do anything because if I suck at it, even if it's just a little, I will feel like a failure. For example, want to be a stay-at-home mom? Sure, it shouldn't be a problem. I like to work, and staying home is like being at work, just being at work with little kids. Eeh. Wrong. It's taken me a couple of years to realize my strengths and weaknesses as a mom. I no longer feel like a failure, but man that first 1-2 years was rough. Want to get a dog? Sure. How hard can a dog be? I mean, I am raising three kids just fine. A dog can't be any harder. Eeh. Wrong. Dogs are a lot of work. Blue and I are finally finding our groove, but I can't even begin to tell you how much I've hated him since about June (or about a week after we got him). Want to work part-time to help supplement some income? Sure. No problem. I can just do it when the kids go to bed each night. Perfect. Eeh. Wrong. While I am grateful for my job, it really bites to have to go right from watching the kids to working and then right to bed every. single. day. Blah, blah. There are some nights when I look at Tim and wish we could just sit and do nothing, or I wish I could just sit and draw, but I rarely find the time. So I guess the point to this thought is that heeellloooo...I am human. I am not able to do everything, even if I'd like people to believe I can. Sometimes too much confidence is not a good thing. 

Well, it's 11:17 now and I'm actually getting sleepy. So it's off to bed I go. Even my dog is snoring at this point, and you know it's time for bed when Blue snores.