if...

When I was little I used to try to make deals with God, especially around Christmas time. I'd write down the items I coveted most and send the list to Santa, and then I would start to pray. I would say, "Heavenly Father, I won't yell at my brother for a month if I could just have that bike." Or "Heavenly Father, I promise to do all my chores if I could just get a brand new pair of ice skates."

The younger version of me learned after a few years of unfulfilled wishes that bartering with God is useless, especially with trite things such as bikes and ice skates.

And yet, I find myself doing it time and time again as an adult. For example, when V would scream for hours a day as a baby and refuse to sleep and I was stuck rocking her on my growing pregnant body, I would silently pray for her to magically fall asleep. I would tell God that I would be my best "mom" self for the rest of the day if she would just take one nap. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't. Now looking back, I don't think God had much to do with this wish being granted or denied. V was just a difficult sleeper, and sometimes her body would give in to sleep, and sometimes it wouldn't.

Whatever the situation, I try to convince myself that I'm not bartering rather I'm being honest with my heart's desires, but I'm no fool. I am transparent, and I know exactly what I'm doing. I have found that one problem with trying to break a deal with God is that when a wish is not granted, it is easy to grow confused and angry with Him. It is a addictive cycle, and I see it everywhere.

It is no secret that the only written goal I made this year was to mend my unstable relationship with deity. In doing so, I have found it necessary to change the way I speak to God and to learn again how He speaks to me.

We are currently waiting for our future placement. We have a few more outlets to examine before we will really decide what we'll do next year, but I am finding myself awake earlier in the mornings and up later at nights pondering all the questions I have become all too familiar with over the past three years. You'd think I'd be better at this, but I'm not. February and March are the most painful months of each year.

As I express my anxious sentiments and ask for courage to face whatever the outcome may be, I still find myself in the quietest moments of my day trying to cut a deal with God. It sounds a bit like this: "You know where we want to be. I know it's not really an option. But if you could preform a small miracle..." I can't get past that word: miracle. I am asking for a miracle that I know in my heart I must wait for, and I may have to wait for years. I can't get past that word because I begin to feel arrogant in my pleadings and a little scared about what might actually happen if that miracle did occur.

So I continue to ask for the courage and flexibility that I will undoubtedly need come June. We will probably move to our fourth new state. I will be faced with new faces and an unfamiliar culture. I will feel alone. But I will not be alone. Tim, Mya, V, Elle and Blue will be with me. They will always be with me. And we will do whatever it is we need to do as we wait for more miracles to happen because here is one thing I've learned in my thirty years--miracles always happen if you wait.