my greatest achievement

Every night when I think about writing, I can't bring myself to do it because for weeks my head has basically been an empty shell come 7pm. I do what I need to do to function as I work, but I haven't been able to conjure up a decent blog post. And I figure if I can't write something decent, I probably shouldn't write anything at all.

But it's 10am now, and my girls are playing house upstairs so I find myself alone with a few things on my mind. I'm moving slower these days. I'm 27 weeks pregnant, and I feel it, especially in my lower back and hips. I've been exercising 5-6 times a week since Christmas, but I can feel the effects of gravity on my squats and lunges, and it's harder for me to go up and down, but somehow I manage. This morning Mya watched me as I tried to follow along to my workout video. She shook her head and said, "Mom, you're not getting low enough. You need to get lower." I laughed, "Oh Mya, if mom gets lower, mom isn't getting back up." Unsatisfied with my reply, she hopped off the bed and tried to push my hips up and down. I'm sure it was quite a scene. She climbed on my bed again and rested her head in the palm of her hand and said, "Mom, I'm sure you're ready to have no more babies, huh?" You can't ask a squatting pregnant woman that question. Hahaha. I nodded my head vigorously, but once I caught my breath I said, "I'd probably have a dozen kids if my body could handle it. But yes, this stage of my life is nearly done. It's time to grow with you girls. I'm ready."

And that's the truth. I am ready. I discussed tubal ligation yesterday with my ob. Permanently taking away the option of having babies terrifies me. There are so many what ifs in my head, but after so much pondering, I really feel it's time for me to see what it's like to not be rocked by hormones every 18 months. I've had such terrible experiences with other birth control options that it really is my only option, and both Tim and I know it. So as I waddle through the next 13 weeks--as painful as they may be--I am trying to enjoy the last of this pregnancy because it will be my last.

The finality of the last sentence in that paragraph makes my heart ache, even though I know it's the right choice. Just feel like putting that out there. Creating life has been one of my greatest joys in this life. I never expected it to fill my heart with so many emotions, but my children are my greatest achievement.