Being present

I'm surrounded by twinkle lights, and red and gold trinkets adorn my shelves, replacing the trendy vases and bookends. It is good to feel Christmas again; it's like a familiar friend that's been gone too long and when you see her, your heart bursts with happiness because you know your time together is going to be well spent.

Tonight as I sit here in the quiet of my home while Tim is away again on business, I find myself thinking about my life. A memory came to my mind a little bit ago about my time in Argentina as a missionary. One night (I hadn't been in the country more than 3 months) while walking home close to 9pm in the frigid, winter mist, I found myself frustrated with the cold, the rain and my lack of ability to speak the Spanish language with the clarity I desired. My Chilean companion tried to talk to me; her questions rebounded against my cold, stone body. I remember singing a hymn in my mind, hoping to escape my anger, but my anger persisted. As we approached our building I decided that I would start counting the days until I could go home because surely knowing how many days and weeks I had left would help me get through my tough moments. I kept looking toward that elusive future day when I could remove the wool skirts and heavy Dansko shoes and be warm and comfortable whenever I chose.

That future day came all too fast. Somehow 18 months flew by in the blink of an eye. I stopped counting days about a month after I started because I'm not very organized and never could stay on track, but still the day came, even though I wasn't ready for it.

I've been this way my whole life. I struggle to live in the present, always wishing to be rid of a certain trial or avoid a wicked tantrum. Somehow Mya is 9, and I find myself wondering, have I enjoyed her life enough? Or have I let it slip away? I look at Genevieve sometimes and I think how little I know about her now because she's gone at school all day and by the time we get to talk at night, I'm so focused on getting her in bed so I can work that I often miss what she's trying to say.

I can't believe I'm admitting this aloud.

But it's true. And I'm often ashamed of it. I miss such important pieces of my life because I think too much about what else I have to check off on some invisible list, and dammit, I hate lists!  I don't want to get to the end of my life and wonder how much I missed because I was cleaning the dishes or editing an article.

And so here I am today being completely candid with you and myself. I have a problem, and the problem is worrying too much about what may or may not happen if I do or don't do something. What I need to do is just live in the present, which may involve piles and late assignments.

So for this Christmas season, my goal is not only to serve my neighbor, but it is also to love my life. To love the things that are messy and frustrating, but also beautiful and real. I started this goal last week when the Morrisons came to visit for Thanksgiving, and last weekend was the best Thanksgiving weekend of my life. And you know what....the messes and dishes still got cleaned up. I'm not saying we all have to become slobs just to be present in our own lives.

Yesterday after the girls arrived home from school I invited them to help me set up a fake tree we received from Tim's uncle (we already set up our real tree in a different room). Mya, Elle and I tried to lift the awkwardly-shaped box, but the weight was too much for us once we reached the stairs, and you should've seen us trying to get that thing up 15 steps. Instead of thinking about how much time we were wasting by being inefficient, I looked at my girls' faces that were filled with delight at seeing their mom look like a total nutcase, and we laughed so hard, which therefore made the remaining few stairs hard to climb. But oh, how it changed the course of our night! We worked together to put the tree together, string the lights and gently place the ornaments.

So here's to being present and laughing, even when it seems inappropriate, and really enjoying life right now.