A little reflection

It's time for me to work, but I wanted to take a minute and note down how much I love Tim. I crave him--the way he rests his hand on the small of my back and the way he uses his fingers to brush through the tangles of my hair and the way he looks at me when I wake up and stumble into the bathroom in the morning and the way he kisses my neck at night.

I have a lot of guilt about how I treated the guys I dated before meeting Tim. I wasn't always forthcoming or honest. I generally dated several people at time without telling anyone, and I struggled to get close to any one person. I hated hurting people's feelings so I often avoided the break up talk by avoiding the person all together. As a 34-year-old woman, I wish I could write each of them a letter and apologize. I was a jerk. I should've been better at expressing what I felt instead of running for the door, but I wasn't.

I've been thinking about all these things lately, and I even called a friend for moral support, and we laughed together, recalling all the stories, but when it comes right down to it, no matter how much guilt I feel about how I acted as a 20-something-year-old girl, I am absolutely sure I married the right person. He is my person. I don't think either of us knew how good we'd be for each other when we were married 10 years ago. We got lucky, and we absolutely know it.

Today Tim came home from Texas. I'd been waiting for him for hours. My body literally ached to be close to his. Seeing him standing on the concrete outside the small terminal made my body tingle. I am amazed that I can still feel these things after all these times and after all the daily distractions.

So I wasn't a very good person 15 years ago in the dating world, but I hope I am a better person now as a wife and a mother. One thing is for sure, I don't run away anymore from my feelings or my problems. I do let them sit in a corner festering from time to time, but I don't try to escape them. I face them, and I am so glad I have this guy by my side each time I do.

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"Be kind and considerate with your criticism... It's just as hard to write a bad book as it is to write a good book." Malcolm Cowley