I'm weak, but only for a short time.

It would seem I've had a bit of bad luck the past few weeks. I generally deal with waves of bad luck with as much courage as I can muster, and I put my best face on when I handle things in front of my kids. However, stress can make one snap. Snap, snap, snap. Here a little, there a little. And then all these exposed cracks make one rather weak.

I am weak. I've succumbed to sadness in a way I haven't in years. If I didn't have duties and responsibilities, I'd happily wallow in my bed while eating the rest of the mini peanut butter cups I picked up on my way out of Boston. But I can't, so I won't. I just walk around with all these gapping cracks and gashes, and I feel rather vulnerable and low. I'm desperately trying to shake it, but life is heavy right now.

In the midst of the heaviness and fog, I do, however, feel glimmers of light. Even after the van was vandalized and robbed in the heart of Chicago, I looked to Tim and whispered, "We've been so blessed. Our life has been so good, even with it's challenges." And that has certainly been an unexpected challenge.

It's strange to feel so much gratitude at the same time as I feel so much sorrow, but I believe that gratitude is the only thing buoying me this week. I am grateful for my husband who, even at his weakest point of high fevers and aches and chills, held my hand and ran his fingers through my hair as I talked. I am grateful for my children. I have often been asked if I ever feel like I am missing out on life because my life is so wrapped up in my tiny human beings, but the answer is no. I may fib and say yes from time to time--perhaps on the most difficult of days, filled with crying and whining, but the truth is, no, I'd give anything to be with my kids. They are affectionate and funny; they are thoughtful and smart. They are pieces of me, pieces of Tim and pieces of themselves, and it makes for an excellent mix of people. I am grateful for my parents. They offer me space when I ask and love when I come calling. I am grateful for my siblings who constantly remember me, even in our differences; I know I am on their minds, and they are on mine. I am grateful for my friends. I have written this so often, but I have the best friends in the world. They know me, and they still like me. I am grateful for my in-laws. After the weekend we had, I really didn't know who to call, but when I called them and asked for help, they willingly rearranged dinner plans and drove down to lend us a car until our window could be fixed. Cathy also brought a handful of groceries because we had to cancel our cards because some of the information was saved on my stolen computer (not doing that again). And I am so grateful for faith. I have felt at my lowest over the last few days, and in these humbling moments, I feel hope for the future and hope that things can and will change.

And so, I will not give up or give in. Life will always ebb and flow, and it helps us recognize our dependency on others--and more than others--on God.

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