Thoughts before bed

I want to remember these days. They seem to be escaping me so quickly, but I want to remember them clearly. Working seems to occupy so much of my time--too much really, but it is what it is, and I have tried to savor the in-between moments with my kids.

I hope I remember the way Mya begged me to color her hair tips blue. I look at her, and I see a girl that so desperately wants to express herself but doesn't know how. I agreed to color her hair in the end because I thought it would be one way she could stand out. It was a really fun process to do together, and she thanked me profusely for taking the time to do it, so I call it a win.

I hope to remember the way Elle smiles at me when we sing in tandem to Taylor Swift. She always says, "Mom, I love the way our voices sound together." We have a few preferred songs, and we drive home from dance singing all the way.

I love how all my girls love Taylor Swift. I happen to love Taylor Swift. I love that she is who she is. She doesn't pretend to be anyone else. I love that she stands for something. And I love that she is so talented musically. I am amazed how much she writes, and I have taught my kids to appreciate music, song writers, guitar players, piano players--all of it. I often ask them to listen beyond the lyrics and tell me which instruments they hear.

I know I'll remember the way Genevieve smiles her big, goofy smile at me on the way to horse back riding lessons each Monday. Genevieve is hands down one of my most difficult children for anyone else, but for me, she is not. She loves me so deeply, and I feel that love through the way she serves me. She makes it entirely possible for me to survive, and I am so glad that I get a few short moments alone with her each week. I try to make her talk to me about school and friends, but so often she just wants to talk to me about horses and land, and I love it.

I hope I always remember the way Birdie schleps down the stairs each morning, hair unkempt and num-nums (her blanket) in hand. The moment she sees me she puts her hands in the air and waits until I lift her up. She curls her legs around me and puts her warm cheek next to mine. I whisper every morning, "Good morning mama girl. I missed you." And I feel her cheek bone crack into a wide smile.

I want to remember (and currently sorta forget) the way I hear Timmy's door open each night after midnight. I hear his heavy footsteps scoot across the carpet floor, and I lift my comforter for him to climb up even before he's reached my pillow. He climbs up, searches through the blanket for some of my skin, and once he finds it, he falls back to sleep (most of the time....the nights where he tosses and turns and hits me in the face are much less endearing.)

I want to remember the way each of the girls still runs to Tim the moment they hear the garage door open. Even Mya and V hug him tightly when he gets home.

I hope to remember the way Emilie kisses each child on the forehead just before bedtime. I think it's so sweet. Our kids really love her, and I can tell that she really loves them.

I want to remember the times we sit around the couch on Sunday going over our weekly schedules and discussing a short church/life topic. Even Emilie, who doesn't believe as we do, participates and answers questions and sings songs. All the kids pick church hymns off the church sing-a-long app based on the funniest looking kids, and it really is quite amusing.

I want to remember the pink sunrises that my kids make sure to point out to me because they know I wouldn't want to miss them.

I want to remember the joint showers that aren't all that convenient for me but make me laugh everyday.

And I definitely want to remember the way Blue howls at the Snoopy-like dog every single morning on our way home from our walk. I had never heard Blue howl the way he does until this year, and I laugh every single time he starts talking to his dog friend.

And I know I'll remember because I'm sure it will still be happening whenever I reread this post the way Tim looks at me. He has a million pictures of my face and my smile lines on his phone, and he tells me constantly how much he looks at them, and I believe him.