2021

 2021. It's finally here. There are moments when I feel like 2020 lasted forever because there were days that did last forever (ahem...all of March through May), but then somehow Christmas was upon us before I knew it, and we rang in the new year with all the makeshift festivities we could come up with. 

I realize that 2020 was a hard year for most people--probably all people in one way or another. Coronavirus threw everyone into the 4th quarter of a football game where both sides were losing and no one was leading them. Game plans were made on an individual level, which caused people to disagree a lot because their plans differed from each other. Politics were a disaster. I don't even have anything to say about it except the election ended months ago, and some people are still flying the losing team's flag high as if the results may still change. It feels a little strange. Social injustice was very present, which caused so many to really examine who they were and who they needed to become to make the world a better place. And grief. It hit so many across the globe, myself included. Losing someone during this past year was so hard because nothing could be done. We couldn't even be by their sides when they died. It all felt heavy and painful. 

And yet, amidst the pain, there was so much light and so much hope. I saw it in grocery stores, in hospitals, in music, in writing and in so many of us. 

I have no idea what 2021 will bring. I keep telling myself it can't be worse than 2020, but then January 6th happened, and chaos flooded the capitol. I don't have much to say on the matter because I don't have enough information, and I'm still processing it in my mind. However, that was not a good start. But I believe in do-overs, and more than do-overs, I believe there are good people everywhere on all sides of the belief spectrum, trying to do the right thing and trying to love each other. So there's that. I am hopeful that the world will see a calming effect with the dispersement of the vaccine. And I am hopeful that here in the US we will see a peaceful--albeit awkward no doubt--transition of presidential power. 

Personally, I feel hopeful for 2021. I hope that we will be able to hike outdoors or smile again without masks, although I now have a bit of anxiety about being around strangers without one, so there's that. I'll have to get over that somehow. I hope that I can resume our normal service endeavors. 2020 was really hard on me because I couldn't serve people normally or naturally. I couldn't help people like I normally would've out of fear that they might be afraid of me. And the fact that I would pause before helping someone made me feel so sad. I hope that my kids will resume school in the fall. While homeschooling has been the best personal option for us this year, it is not my kids' ideal option. They miss their friends and routines terribly. I hope to cultivate more talents. And I hope to create more boundaries. I need boundaries.

I recently listened to a woman talk about creating more fulfilling schedules. She said she often had clients complain about not having enough time, to which she always replies, "No, you have enough time. You have the same amount of time as everyone else. You have your priorities misaligned." I am guilty of complaining of not enough time, and usually people excuse me because they say things like, "We know you have a lot going on," or "We know you are busy with the kids." True. I do have a lot going on. I really do. But is it too much to play a card game with Birdie when she asks me 5 times? Or too much to write a birthday card to a distant family member or friend? Or is it too much to listen to Elle sing me a song for the hundredth time?

I stretched myself too thin this fall. I decided to homeschool, which like I already said has been an incredible experience 80% of the time. I can never buy back these years with my kids, so the fact that I'm just able to be with them and read or write with them is something I love so much. You cannot even know. But in addition to homeschool, I also tried to sub at the preschool I worked at last year every week. I also started focusing on a creative outlet--photography, which has been so fulfilling in many ways, but also takes a lot of time and focus. I've continued working as a copy editor all the while, and starting in December I started to burst at my invisible seams. I started collapsing mentally and emotionally, shutting myself in and the world out. I faked it in front of people because I am who I am, and I have a hard time admitting I'm struggling, but by the end of 2020, I felt so weak. 

So my goal this year is to create appropriate boundaries for myself and my family so I can be more effective as a woman, a wife and a mother. The most immediate goal I made for myself is to not work on Sunday. I quiver at this goal because I have depended so much on my Sundays since I started my copy editing job, but I need a day where I don't work. I need a day where I can just close my brain to everything else and be alone or with my family, not feeling guilty for getting other things done. I am hopeful that I can do this.

So there you have it. I am a 37-year-old mom admitting to the fact that I take on too much and take too little care of myself. I am not as strong as people like to believe. I am a work of art to be sure, but that work of art is still very much in progress, and I am sure I frustrate the artist more often than not. I am hopeful that this year I can put back some pieces of my life; I say some because I like that some pieces were tossed aside, but I do hope I can put back some parts of normal life. Mostly I hope this year that I can be kinder to myself and that I will forgive myself for the mistakes I will surely make. I have the hardest time with that. But that's life, and that's where I am right now.