Tim thinks this is a really creepy topic. He didn't even answer the question when I posed it to him last night. I'll admit that it is, but it's been on my mind ever since I read a sweet little post by Joanna Goddard. She asked her blog readers if they ever worried about their partner dying. My immediate reaction: YES...every time he is five minutes off his normal home arrival time.
I don't know why I am the way that I am. I am a worrier and have been for as long as I can remember. My stomach would knot up any time my parents went on a date and didn't come home exactly when they said they would. That knot has probably tied itself into several potential ulcers since we've been married.
Here's the deal: I am madly in love with my husband. I feel him even when he isn't around me. His voice is always inside my head pushing me forward and cheering me on, especially when 2:30pm rolls around and the kids are out of control. I know every inch of his face. I love the touch of his skin. I steal his pillow after he gets out of bed in the morning just so I can smell him a little longer. He is the only person who knows and understands all my idiosyncrasies, and he is the only person I have ever felt I can be completely "me" with all the time. He is my equal in every way so the idea of something happening to him is really an uncomfortable one. Perhaps you have felt the same...
However, I was thinking about the article as I listened to Tim breathe deep in sleep, and I started to think of Jo's question from another angle. Am I more scared of something happening to him or to me? If you know Tim, you know that I am his whole world. That man could probably go without everything else if asked to just to be with me. As unbelievable as this may sound in this crazy world full of divorce and separation, Tim is 100% committed to making my life better, happier even. (And he does.)
As the question brewed in my head, I thought about how Tim would react if something happened to me. He would be heartbroken. The face that normally graces my presence with a smile would be smile-less. And that would kill me. I know he would pick up the pieces because he will be forced to, but I know how much the loneliness would hurt him.
Then, I thought of my girls and the many milestones I would miss. The school performances. The dances. The boyfriends. The weddings. Everything. I had to stop thinking about my peanuts because my stomach really starting aching at that point.
But then my thoughts turned to my parents, siblings and friends. People who are already separated from me by distance, and I thought about how much they are a part of my life. And how I am completely wrapped up into theirs.
I am not trying to toot my horn. Heaven only knows I don't have a big horn to toot, but I think there are people who would miss me. And the idea of that makes me sad. So I remain undecided. My life would be incomplete without Tim. I doubt I would ever remarry. He has ruined the chances for any other man. Who could ever compete with the love he has shown me for the past five years? But I think losing me would kill him too. So it's a tough call. What do you think?
I can't really think about this subject without ending up in tears. Im a selfish person so I always say that Id like to go first. But then i think about someone else mothering my baby girl and I dont like that idea. I told Nate when Reese was born that if he didn't want me to remarry if he died, then he had better get life insurance (because I dont want to work the rest of my life.) Basically...I hope that we never go through this.
ReplyDeleteEverywhere I go I have been hearing this topic! In fact, in a church meeting with the women the other week they had a speaker come and present the topic, "Preparing for the death of a loved one." It was so interesting because the presenter had interviewed hundreds of widows and asked them what made the passing of their love easier; what they wish they had had in order... It a topic naturally nobody likes to talk about, but I think is so important. Thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteugh! i don't even want to think about this subject and each day that i fall more in love with my husband it makes it harder to even consider this subject. although i know it will happen one day. he has brought it up at times and he requested i not get remarried i give him permission too but ugh don't even want to think about it...
ReplyDeleteBryan and I discuss this concept at least once a month. I don't want him to get remarried. He said he will. I shudder to think of the woman he would pick. Gross. I tell him I wouldn't get married again, but he wants me to. However, he's afraid I'm going to marry a guy that is goofy and wears Docker's with pleated fronts. He swears he'll come back from the dead and kill him the night before we get married. And on, and on. I call Bryan's fictitious wife KiKi. I hate KiKi with my whole heart and soul.
ReplyDeleteAren't we funny?
Rusty and I talk about this fairly often. Before we had kids I swore that I would never remarry and he did the same. He still claims that he would prefer not to get married but wouldn't have a clue as to how to raise girls on his own. While I cringe at the thought of him with anyone else I think I cringe more at the thought of my girls not having a mom. I think ultimately it would be easier for rusty to remarry because i think women are more likely to be ok marrying someone who already has kids. Plus, what guy wants to marry a woman with kids AND who he cant be sealed to because she's sealed to her first husband? Bottom line is...I can't stand the thought of either of us dying. So let's just not die, mmmmmkkk pumpkin?
ReplyDeletei definitely would want us (my whole family actually!) to go at the same time.
ReplyDeleteWhy the depressing topic? Yes, i'm reading your blog. I've come a long way.
ReplyDelete@anonymous: sorry the topic is depressing. i think it is interesting. there isn't really a reason i chose it. i just wanted to make people think.
ReplyDeleteI'm selfish. I don't wanna live with out Danny. I don't want him to remarry either, but he probably should, but I don't really like to think about it too often, b'c then I make myself sick to my stomach. lol I like your thought provoking questions on here though
ReplyDeleteI discussed this topic some friends. It was interesting to me that all of the girls had a huge fear of their spouses passing away. A few had experienced crying when their spouses were late to get home. Others check to see if their spouses are breathing.
ReplyDeleteThe most interesting part is that
i never think about it and i have some reason to. My dad and my husbands dad both passed away, both leaving young families. I sometimes wonder where i get the "it wont happen to me attitude". Especially because I've seen it happen before.
Such a morbid topic, but also an important topic to talk about. I think I my world would fall apart if I loss my husband. I can't even imagine it. I am grateful for eternal families!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny but I was having the same questions the other day: I was thinking about him and just like you, I worry when he's not on time and didn't send a message or call.
ReplyDeleteThe words you have to describe your husband are beautiful. And it makes me sad too because I really do feel the same way about my boyfriend. I'm sad because sometimes I think about the wrong stuff when i should be focusing on the good ones.
I think I'd lose my mind if anything happened to him.
Harder for me if he dies...definitely. I think about it everyday and it's the scariest thing in the world!
ReplyDeleteUgh Of course I hate this topic, but none the less I know how real it is. My Dad passed away when I was only five years old and now being married and a Mother to two boys I think I am overly scared each day that my boys wont have a Daddy.. Tears me up even thinking about it!! Not to mention Me not having him. After reading this it just kind of makes me want to squeeze the Mr. just a little more tight!!
ReplyDeletexo