winter blues

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I think I am experiencing a case of the winter blues; it's either that or really late postpartum. It hit me square in the face last Monday around 3pm. I sat in my cozy living room peering out our large front window and wished I could be anywhere but where I was at that moment. I wished to be the elderly woman pushing her walker and pulling her miniature dog behind her. I wished I could be the old owl living in the big pine tree out front.

That overwhelming feeling spread throughout my body like a fiery itch. It has remained all these subsequent days. I have lost all my pregnancy weight but feel like the pounds will quickly pack back on with the amount of monkey bread and sugary coffee cake I'm using to squash my anxious heart back into its normal state. I don't think the food is working. In fact, it's only making me feel worse.

My self-esteem, or the lack thereof, is waning. It is hanging by a thread. It is putting a strain on my marriage, my friendships and my spirit. While I am honored by the title of mother, sometimes that title wears me to the bone. It exposes a part of me I'd prefer to keep hidden. Motherhood unleashes a heap of hormones that could take on any experienced bull or ferocious dog.

Even as I write all these thoughts, I fear what people will think and say. That fear makes me want to hit delete every three seconds, but I will not. I figure this blog is mine for me and my feelings anyway.

I am confident this will pass. It always does. The mountain I am currently climbing is rocky and long, but there is a peak at the top and when I reach that peak, I will see the sun shining again. My heart and lips will smile with a little less force again and I will be able to stop pretending that everything is alright because it truly will be just so. All will be right again. 

**just after I published this post I found this blog post about how to let go of things that make you sad. at the moment i opened the url, i felt a soft assurance that god is aware of this mountain i am climbing and is not allowing me to climb it alone, even if i think i am. i can be so stubborn, you know?