fighting back

Thank you, thank you for the kind emails, texts, cupcakes and phone calls over the past week. I have said it before, and I will say it again, but I am blown away by how lucky I've gotten over the past few years in the friend department. I have friends all over the country, and even a few in other countries, who are so kind and wonderful to me. I honestly used to wish to be popular, but now I only wish for a handful of good friends, and I have that.

Several of you have kindly reminded me that it is okay to seek medical attention for postpartum, and believe me, I will do that if I feel the weight of the postpartum is so all consuming that I can't seem to think straight. Three years ago, I really struggled to find a balance with my emotions and the exhaustion after my miscarriage that I did use medication to help me find myself again. I was on medication for close to a year before I felt brave enough to slowly wean myself from it and start fresh.

This time around doesn't quite feel like the postpartum I felt then. I know a large portion of my anxiety, and therefore, depression, is due to a lack of sleep and a lack of personal time. I work every afternoon when the kids happen to nap at the same time, and I work every night after they go to bed. The frustration of not being able to just sit and enjoy the silence or write on the blog or develop other creative talents really started to attack me a few weeks ago. I started to resent my job, and I started to feel a lot of anger towards Tim. Tim, not knowing how to help, just tried to stay clear of me at night, which often made things worse because I was dying to talk to him. So I kind of freaked out under pressure. And once the first freak out happened, subsequent ones followed.

Last week, after I wrote what I did on the blog, Tim and I talked. And talked and talked and talked. Thankfully, we have really good communication so going through all this has been a little easier than what it could be. I took last week off of work and devoted all my energy to other creative projects I have been wanting to do for months. It was liberating, and in doing so, I started to breathe again. I started to feel like me again.

So I'm fighting back against the postpartum blues. I will not let them sink me this time. I have decided to put myself first. I have been running regularly for the last two weeks, and that in and of itself is immensely helpful. I've started writing a children's book. I've been wanting to do it for a long time now, and I finally have the gumption to do it. (So p.s. if you have any friends in publishing...do let me know.) Also, I have been feeding my spirit. I had kinda fallen off the proverbial bandwagon in the spiritual department.

So here's to not giving up and not giving in to something that is real and hard. I am a fighter, but I am also realistic so if this doesn't seem to work, I promise to seek proper help.

Thanks again for being so good to me.