weaning.

I've been slowly weaning off of my anxiety/postpartum depression medicine for a month now. I have taken Zoloft 50 mg/day since Timmy was 4 months old. I began taking it when a close friend told me how frazzled I had become and reminded me that I didn't have to live like that. I was literally unraveling at the seams, and no amount of sleep or baby cuddles could fix how broken I felt.

Zoloft saved me. Because I'm not a doctor, and I don't totally understand how a small blue pill can seemingly make you worry less or feel less anxious, all I can say is that it really did help me so much to view life differently. I was a happier mom and wife and person. I just felt like I could breathe a little less heavy. It made every difference in my life.

Knowing that Timmy was going to turn 3 this year, I thought it might be time to tackle the weaning process. I can't totally claim postpartum depression anymore. I certainly have phantom baby syndrome (it's not really a thing), which occurs any time I have slight indigestion and suddenly think that I might be pregnant against all the odds, but no, no pregnancy, no more babies. Just a life of growing and changing and improving.

I thought it was time so a month ago I started the slow process. It can take people many months to be brave enough to let go of this amazing helper drug. The weaning process is brutal. There are headaches and severe mood swings and instant irritations and random crying fits. It is essentially like the worst PMS symptoms going around a circle with no way to get off the track.

I tried to get off a year ago. My doctor suggested only getting off in the spring and summer when the sun was out more and I would be out more. She also suggested increasing my vitamin D intake and supplementing with St. John's Wort if necessary. I tried last year and failed after about 10 days. I felt like a psychopath. I couldn't keep my crap together, and I was instantly angrier than I had been in the two years prior.

This year has been so much better. There have been definite ups and downs, but I have been riding the waves as carefully as I can while being good to myself in the process. For example, today was a high-stress day. I had so much going on between the kids, my book club luncheon and an afternoon PTO meeting that I just felt out of sorts. I managed to control my mounting anxiety, which for me always turns to anger, and just told Tim that I needed to go upstairs and lie down for a bit to rest my mind. I did, and it helped. I've been removing myself from dicier moments. I also sat my kids down prior to beginning the weaning process and explained the situation. They have been mostly understanding since I explained it to them.

I am down to 25 mg every other day, and in another week I'll go down to every two days for 1 week. Then I am hoping to be off. I am scared as hell. What if I am just a complete nut off of medication?! What if I start yelling at my kids again? (Zoloft really decreased my desire to yell.) What if...what if...what if. There are million fears in my head--the biggest related to who I am with my kids, so it's taking constant time outs and deep breaths to put one foot in front of the other. I am grateful for my family for being so good to me. It's harder than I ever expected.